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Beaverton
Man with exposed brain tissue still not convinced he needs to see doctor
TORONTO — Local mechanic Jason Pringle is refusing to seek medical attention after sustaining a severe head wound that has left a portion of his brain exposed.
“It’s nothing, really. I’d just be wasting the doctor’s time,” said Pringle, who…
Tapping through Shoppers Drug Mart self-checkout screen enters third day
BRAMPTON, ON – Observers at a local Shoppers Drug Mart have reported that a customer has entered the third day of navigating the self-checkout kiosk, tapping through a seemingly endless succession of increasingly less relevant prompts.
“I…
Ford unsure if he should sell Ontario healthcare system to Loblaws, Tim Hortons, or Nestlé
QUEEN’S PARK – As Premier Doug Ford announces that he will expand surgeries available at for-profit clinics, insiders report he is still deciding which megacorporation to eventually sell Ontario’s entire healthcare system to.
“Folks, I…
Canadian Gangsters finding it difficult to suffocate people with reusable bag
OTTAWA – With single-use plastic bags becoming harder to come by in Canada many of the nation’s mafioso, made men, and goons report that reusable bags are not as practical at asphyxiating victims.
“It’s ridiculous. All these little holes…
Second Passion of the Christ movie lays groundwork for expansion of the JCU
HOLLYWOOD – Almost 20 years after the first movie became a huge hit, a sequel to The Passion of the Christ has been announced, setting the stage for a massive expansion of the Jesus Christ Universe.
“For years studios have crashed and…
“Politics don’t affect me”, says guy complaining about inflation, the price of gas, the housing…
AJAX, ON – Local gas station cashier Geoff Wayne is proud to report that politics don’t affect him despite political policy being the source of every single one of his problems.
“Listen, I know that there’s a time and place for politics”,…
Farsighted man can only find clitoris from across the room
THUNDER BAY, ON – Optometrist Dr. Emily Hu wasn’t looking for a new case study when she discovered her new boyfriend Hunter Nelson’s excellent far vision somehow hindered his ability to find the clitoris at close range.
“BADD, or Bean…
Harry hopes publicizing struggles will help ordinary people with their own world-famous royal…
LOS ANGELES – Speaking at a launch event for his new memoir “Spare”, Prince Harry of the United Kingdom communicated his desire that the book will be used as a tool for regular people dealing with their own overbearing 150-year-old dynastic…
After “I’m Japanese” controversy Gwen Stefani says “sorry”, immediately claims to be Canadian
CHICAGO – In the wake of a backlash against recent claims by Gwen Stefani that she is “Japanese”, the singer attended a hastily-gathered news conference where she apologised for her hurtful comments, by saying “Sorry” in a manner befitting…
Hockey world in shock after NHL star marries brunette
NEW YORK CITY – Controversial Rangers defenseman Darryl King has set tongues wagging in the NHL community with his marriage to Katherine Evermore, who, according to insiders, is “almost offensively not-blonde”.
Though King leads the league…
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