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Trudeau orders end to Canada Post strike after learning Santa Claus not real
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has ordered an end to the ongoing Canada Post strike after learning that Santa Claus, who he was counting on to deliver presents to the entire country this December, is not in fact real.
PMO insiders…
Trudeau unveils new campaign slogan: “I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave”
OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying…
“It’s ‘tax Christmas,’ not ‘tax holiday,’” says local culture warrior
WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using the inclusive term ‘tax holiday.’
“This is a…
Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why
According to a recent poll, about 13% of Canadians support Donald Trump’s recent suggestion that Canada become the 51st state. Naturally we wanted to ask them “what the fuck is wrong with you?!” But instead we went with “why?” See More:…
Breaking: doctors starting to suspect that women’s bodies work differently than men’s
REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences than male bodies.
“This goes way beyond boobies and…
Ontario passes bill allowing bike paths that lead to walls with tunnels painted on them
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford’s government successfully passed a bill today allowing municipalities to create bike paths throughout the province so long as they lead to a wall with the image of a tunnel painted on it. The government has…
Leafs confident they’ll keep winning as long as they get the best goaltending in the league every…
TORONTO – As they continue to win games despite being completely unable to score goals, the Toronto Maple Leafs players and coaches expressed confidence that their success will continue as long as their two goalies continue to be the best…
“Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car
TORONTO – Reports from this morning rush hour suggest that people who drive everywhere continue to wonder why Toronto traffic is so bad.
“I don’t understand it,” said Lloyd Travers. “Every day I drive from my home near Lawrence subway…
Local man confident Syrian regime change either good news or bad news
GUELPH, ON – Upon reading headlines that Syria’s Bashar Al Assad regime has been deposed by rebel forces, local data specialist Michael Varley has responded conclusively that this is either very positive news or maybe really worrying news.…
Latest Drake track features his Mom asking Kendrick to stop bullying her son
TORONTO – The latest diss track in the hip-hop industry’s highest profile feud features Drake’s mother, Sandi Graham, personally requesting that rap superstar Kendrick Lamar stop saying such hurtful things to her son.
The new Drake single,…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.