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Beaverton
Puerto Ricans pissed Canada could become U.S. state before them
SAN JUAN, PR – In the wake of Donald Trump unveiling plans to make Canada the 51st U.S. state, Puerto Ricans who have been trying to attain proper electoral representation expressed their frustration with Canada jumping the line and…
Report: Exhausting, unfulfilling suburban life you hate is university student’s unattainable dream
PICKERING, ON ― A scathing new report released today has found that local 52-year-old Linda Pike’s mid-life crisis is every university student’s dream problem, and that they probably won’t notice when they reach theirs because it will be…
Report: Juan Soto in talks with Ohtani about best way to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing…
TORONTO – As rumours and speculation fly around whether or not the Blue Jays will acquire free agent and four-time All-Star Juan Soto, Soto was recently spotted talking to Shohei Ohtani about the most effective ways to get Canadians’ hopes…
Trump encouraging NATO members to increase military spending by making the US a viable target
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – U.S. President-Elect Donald Trump has unveiled a key component of his plan to make other member nations of NATO invest more in defense; turning America into a viable international target so they have no choice but to come…
Op-Ed: The “Wicked” movie shows us what audiences really want — more films about green people
By Cash Ritchie, Senior VP, Finance, at WoodHolly Studios
The Wicked movie has already proven a resounding success not only for Universal, but for show business at large. As the industry continues to bounce back from the pandemic and also…
Transparent plots to buy votes are cynical, effective, political scientists find
OTTAWA, ON ― A new survey of political scientists found broad consensus that financial giveaways are a both arrogant and very successful strategy to curry the favour of voters too shortsighted to put on winter tires, let alone make national…
Weird! Woman’s comfort show doesn’t have any monsters or murder
LONDON, ON – A local woman has shocked friends and family by revealing that her favourite comfort show contains neither fantastical creatures, nor grisly true crime homicides.
Vanessa Parker, 34, revealed the disquieting news in a shared…
Poilievre looking forward to blaming Trudeau for economic effects of Trump’s tariffs
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre couldn’t contain his glee today upon hearing the news that Donald Trump plans to enact a 25% tariff on Canadian goods as soon as he takes office.
“Our largest trading partner increasing the price of all of our…
Defiant Joe Rogan insists he’s not a propaganda asset, just actually this stupid
AUSTIN, TX – Following comments on Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, where multi-millionaire podcaster Joe Rogan blamed Ukrainian defence for “causing World War III”, the podcast phenom clarified that he was not echoing Kremlin propaganda, but…
Local man hoping for Christmas miracle of Canada Post employees surrendering collective bargaining…
Brandon, Manitoba – Robert Jones is praying for a miracle as the Canada Post strike enters its second week – the miracle of postal workers putting down their picket signs, shutting the fuck up, and getting back to work.
“Postal workers…
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