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Beaverton
Your household budget if it was made by Metrolinx
Metrolinx, the entity whose approach to completing the Eglinton LRT is most accurately comparable to George R.R. Martin’s approach to finishing the A Song Of Ice And Fire books, has raised eyebrows for it’s costs in recent weeks. These…
Boeing offers stranded astronauts $200 voucher off next trip to space
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next trip into space.
Captains Butch Wilmore…
Trudeau pays surprise visit to Ottawa
OTTAWA – In a move that caught lawmakers and everyday Ottawans off guard, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took time out of his busy schedule attending multicultural events, food festivals, and parades to make a surprise visit to Ottawa, a…
Betrayal: That actor is actually British
ANYWHERE BUT ENGLAND – Viewers of a recent celebrity interview experienced feelings of shock and betrayal upon learning that that new actor is actually British, and not American as they portray on that current popular TV show/movie.
“When…
Latest federal poll shows surprise emergence of new frontrunner: Men’s 4×100 Relay Team
OTTAWA – The latest polling is showing an unexpected leader in federal politics – the Men’s 2024 Olympic 4×100 relay team. With 74% of respondents saying they intend to vote for the combined talents of Andre De Grasse, Aaron Brown, Jerome…
Leafs announce that making Matthews captain is the best way to distract fans from fact they haven’t…
TORONTO – In a press conference scheduled for Wednesday, the Toronto Maple Leafs are expected to announce that, after much deliberation, they believe giving Auston Matthews the captaincy is the best way to get everyone to stop talking about…
Environmental protestor at art gallery accidentally glues self to other environmental protestor
PARIS – In a curious display of activist incompetence, a protestor intent on gluing himself to a famous painting has instead found himself accidentally glued to another, unrelated protestor present for the same reason.
The mistaken mucilage…
Entire North American GDP just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat
OTTAWA – It was with a mix of embarrassment and concern that economists announced yesterday that almost the entire North American GDP, long thought to be a mature economy, is actually just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat.
“Upon…
Horrible teacher about to become even worse student
TORONTO – Former University of Toronto professor Jordan Peterson has agreed to take social media training in order to keep his license to practice psychology from the College of Psychologists of Ontario, to the extreme chagrin of every…
Adele releases new song about just going to the mall and hanging out with cute boys
LAS VEGAS – Speaking from her residency in Las Vegas, British singer-songwriter Adele has announced the release of a new single all about spending time at the mall, checking out cute boys, and just doing, you know, whatever.
“I’m quite…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.