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Man running through streets of Paris holding Olympic torch accidentally triggers massive revolt
PARIS – An Olympic torchbearer jogging through Paris en route to the opening ceremony has accidentally triggered a huge uprising amongst the populace as they reflexively took to the streets.
“As a lifelong Parisien I’ve always known what to…
Top 5 Olympic sports to watch this year that aren’t nearly as good as Winter ones
PARIS, FRANCE ― The 2024 Summer Olympics are kicking off this week, and with so many events, you’re likely wondering which ones are worth tuning in for. The short answer is none of them, because summer sports suck. However, if you still…
Danielle Smith: The loss of Jasper is tragic, but we can all take comfort in how much money the oil…
EDMONTON – Premier Danielle Smith fought back tears today as she announced that at least 30-50% of the town of Jasper, Alberta has been severely damaged by wildfires but she was adamant that all is not lost, because the Alberta oil industry…
Loblaws introduces new “Bread Price-Fixing Settlement” fee to all customers
BRAMPTON, ON – Following news that Loblaws will settle a class-action bread price fixing suit for $500 million, the company has announced that all products sold in their stores will now carry a Bread Price-Fixing Settlement fee.
The new fee…
Québec language inspectors check that patients are dying in French
MONTRÉAL – The government of Québec has confirmed that inspectors from the Office Québécois de la Langue Française have been monitoring conversations at a local hospital to ensure that patients dying in an underfunded healthcare system were…
Inside Out 3 to feature controversial new emotion, Diarrhea
Disney, United States – After the runaway success of Pixar’s sequel film Inside Out 2, the studio has announced a third film is in the works centering around their most controversial emotion-turned character yet, Diarrhea.
“We’ve seen some…
Cape Breton to create new, more annoying time zone between Atlantic and Newfoundland time
CAPE BRETON REGIONAL MUNICIPALITY – In a surprise move, the residents of Cape Breton island in Nova Scotia have announced that as early as next year, Cape Breton will have its own small and incredibly annoying time zone right between the…
Franchise with amazing fans, likeable superstars determined to become league villains
EDMONTON – The Edmonton Oilers announced the hiring of Stan Bowman, the Blackhawks executive who helped cover up the sexual abuse of Kyle Beach by assistant coach Brad Aldrich, as part of their ongoing plan to become the league’s most hated…
Aides explaining to confused Trudeau how unpopular leader dropped re-election bid
OTTAWA – Aides to Prime Minister Trudeau have reportedly spent several hours attempting to explain how Joe Biden, a similarly left-leaning incumbent with low polling numbers, actually willingly chose to end his re-election campaign.
“So…
Trump campaign desperately hoping Democrats replace Biden with a different frail 81-year-old
WASHINGTON DC – With Joe Biden announcing his plans to drop out of the US presidential race, Donald Trump’s campaign has publicly asked the Democrats to nominate a similarly ineffectual octogenarian who will fit seamlessly into the GOP’s…
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