Browsing Category
Beaverton
Pizza Pizza gives man diarrhea diarrhea
TORONTO – Local jeweler Jason Jackson has eaten a bad Pizza Pizza pizza, according to cub cuisine columnist Ms. Chris Swiss.
“I work all the time, and then I had to work overtime, so I just wanted to unwind with the pizza I designed,”…
Corrupt Federal Body Inspector busted
OTTAWA – Officials from the Federal Body Inspection agency have announced that Special Agent Bradley Carmichael has been stripped of his rank and discharged after being enmeshed in a corruption scandal.
“Mr. Carmichael is a disgrace to the…
Hawk two-ah! Meet Sam, the peregrine falcon who can count to two
MONCTON – New Brunswick finally has a resident who has mastered the art of counting to two – presumably without using their wings.
When Sam, a two-year-old peregrine falcon, was rescued from the smoldering remains of a presumably-arson’d…
Amazeballs explosion! Trendster adds awesome sauce to cool beans
BRAMALEA, ON — Local trendster Emily Ling established herself as the GOAT when she pushed the envelope by pouring awesome sauce onto cool beans, resulting in an amazeballs explosion of cray cray proportions.
“OMG!” said Ling. “I know I’m…
Leopard feels sexy in human skin-patterned thong
See More: Dumb Week, human skin, leopard, sexy Beaverton
Lazy scientists announce there are probably several kinds of squirrels but they move too fast to be…
OTTAWA – The Canadian Society of Sluggish Scientists (not to be confused with the Canadian Society of Slug Scientists) has announced via press release that they’re pretty sure there are many kinds of squirrels out there, but that they’re…
Archeological evidence reveals Jesus’s speciality as a carpenter was installing jacuzzis
JUDAEA — Archeologists from Sapienza University of Rome have recently uncovered evidence suggesting that Yeshua Ben Yusuf, popularly known as “Jesus,” had a thriving career installing jacuzzis.
“The Christ’s system employed a variety of…
Cheetos factory explosion insensitively categorized as dangerously cheesy
CONNECTICUT – A devastating explosion at Frito-Lays’ Cheetos factory last Thursday – which has left 82 wounded and 27 still missing – was insensitively categorized as a level “dangerously cheesy” incident, according to the International…
Swifties not even that fast
SAINT-LOUIS-DU-HA!-HA!, QC – Taylor Swift fans – or colloquially known as “swifties” – are reportedly not as fast as their name suggests.
“9 mins a kilometer” states anthropologist, Dr. Deidra McCallaghan, “that’s the average walking speed…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.