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Supreme Court rules Trump can and probably should shoot someone on 5th Avenue
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a 6-3 ruling, the United States Supreme Court ruled that former President Donald Trump not only has full immunity from prosecution for any gun murders he might commit, but that he definitely should do so.
In a majority…
Report: going 2 years without getting paid millions to manage a hockey team sufficient punishment…
NEW YORK CITY – Yesterday the NHL reinstated former Blackhawks staff Joel Quenneville, Stan Bowman and Al MacIsaac, confirming that 2 years is the maximum someone who covered up one sexual abuse incident and abetted another should be forced…
Piece of shit cat knocks over fucking swear jar
WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice.
“That son of a bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing,” said…
Security experts agree new password will never love you like the old one did
TORONTO – According to a study conducted by a panel of cybersecurity experts, your new password lacks the special spark of your old one and will never bring you the same joy.
“Few people get through life without resetting their password at…
Danielle Smith: Trudeau wants Albertans to have teeth and I won’t stand for that
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has written an open letter to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this week announcing Alberta’s intention to opt out of the new federally-funded dental plan because, as Smith states in the letter, “I’d…
Critics praise “The Last Timbit” as the most edible product Tim Hortons has to offer
TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers of Tim Hortons’ new play, “The Last Timbit,”…
Canadian hockey fans waiting until last five seconds of Game 7 before getting hopes up this time
EDMONTON – Thirty years into a Stanley Cup drought that has seen countless near-misses and heartbreaks, Canadian hockey fans have announced plans to wait until the last possible moment to be confident their Cup-less streak will end when the…
“You should root for the Oilers because they’re Canadian,” says man who has confused this with the…
TORONTO/CALGARY/VANCOUVER/MONTREAL/OTTAWA/WINNIPEG – Casual hockey fan David Hildebrandt was surprised to discover that you are not routing for the Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Finals, because apparently this city based hockey…
Supreme Court issues token reasonable ruling
WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supreme Court recently issued its token…
Ontario Science Centre closes after roof in danger of collapsing under weight of Doug Ford’s…
TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be closing today, the result of strain on its roof as it…
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