Beaverton

TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be closing today, the result of strain on its roof as it…

CALGARY – After two weeks of restricted access to water for showers, laundry, and other acts of hygiene, sources have reported that Calgarians now smell like Edmontonians do all year long. “Jesus, it reeks like Whyte Avenue in here,” said a…

OTTAWA – Wealthy Canadians have begun a ‘Freegains convoy’ to Ottawa in their BMW X3s in protest of the government’s plan to raise the inclusion rate on annual capital gains in excess of $250,000.00 dollars. “Not since the city of Toronto…

Bridgewater, NS – Through the haze of foggy memories and poor decisions, local high schoolers stumbled home after another post-prom rager, with only the faintest bit of leftover twilight to guide them. This was the latest misadventure for a…

CALGARY – With WestJet now charging a $25 fee to book flights over the phone, the airline has also announced they will now charge a similar $25 fee every single time a person in Canada utters the name “WestJet”. Reports indicate that…

Pierre Poilievre’s refusal to get a national security clearance so he can read the report on foreign interference in Canada’s elections is raising eyebrows, with many suggesting that maybe he can’t get a security clearance because he poses…

HALIFAX – While visiting his retired parents, William MacInnis was flabbergasted to discover a single jar of pickles which, unlike every single other product in the house, did not bear the Costco wholesaler’s Kirkland branding. “How the…

EDMONTON – Edmontonian Jason Porter, who’s spent another evening shouting outraged profanities at his TV amid a growing pile of Alberta Genuine Draft empties, was excited to discover an Oilers game on screen, according to local…

OTTAWA – The House of Commons has voted unanimously for a bill that will crack down on the ability of foreign states to influence federal politicians who rightfully owe their allegiance to Canadian businesses and billionaires. “If the…

EDMONTON – Down 3-0 to the Florida Panthers, Edmonton Oilers fans report they don’t know what is making them feel worse: the possibility of being swept out of the Stanley Cup Finals, or the realization that Leafs fans were right when they…