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“Not All Billionaires!” says billionaire Mark Cuban
Dallas, Texas —Amid growing concerns about the influence of the ultra-wealthy, billionaire Mark Cuban has issued a heartfelt plea via the jumbotron at the Dallas Mavericks stadium, “Not all billionaires!”
On flyers that were handed out…
Ford insists dubious Therme Spa project met all the necessary bribes
QUEEN’S PARK – Responding to a New York Times exposé claiming that European firm Therme grossly overstated its business experience to land a suspiciously lucrative Ontario Place re-development deal, Premier Doug Ford has insisted that their…
Federal election postponed until all Canadian teams eliminated from playoffs
OTTAWA – After rescheduling tonight’s French language leaders debate to accommodate a Montreal Canadiens playoff game, Elections Canada has announced that the entire federal election will be postponed, at least until every Canadian team is…
Sports journalist refuses to give up the verb “edging”
Toronto, ON – Despite years of being widely used as sexual slang, and against the advice of nearly all his peers, sports journalist Reed Mackie continues to use the term “edging” in his articles and headlines. Edging, the act of delaying an…
Cast of “Come From Away” pitch new ending where the Americans get beat up
TORONTO – The cast and crew of the current Toronto production of Come From Away have debuted a new ending where instead of forming lasting bonds of friendship, the people of Gander, Newfoundland wise up and beat the stuffing out of the…
US campaign entices Canada tourists: “Come visit America and also maybe El Salvador!”
OTTAWA – Following months of declining Canadian travel to the USA, Americans have launched a tourism campaign inviting Canadians to visit locations like New York, Austin, and possibly even take an all-expenses paid bonus visit to a…
Canada seeks new country to rip off every part of our culture from
OTTAWA – As Canada works to separate our economy from the increasingly chaotic United States, the Canadian government is also searching for a new country to shamelessly copy for our entire cultural identity
“Given that being slightly more…
High cost of eggs force children to decorate Easter tofu blocks
CINCINNATI, OH – When single father Michael Field’s children, Talia and Connor, ran to their kitchen table last Sunday to decorate eggs for Easter, they were confused to find instead a bowl of strange, damp white chunks.
“They started…
Man who wants kids unaware he will be expected to parent them
KITCHENER, ON – Sources report that Brody Richards, 33, desires to bring small humans into the world while apparently unaware that he will also be required to parent them.
“Oh yeah, I can’t wait to have kids,” says Richards. “Tossing a ball…
Conservatives unveil new holding area for journalists attending Poilievre’s rallies
“Anyone who doesn’t talk about how big the crowds are in an erotic way goes in the Iron Maiden!” The Beaverton Weekly Report is back to cover all the top stories, from the tariffs to the election, with a lot of talk about The Fast &…
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