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Ontario orders 5 new jet planes to counter theft of helicopters
TORONTO – The Ontario government has ordered a handful of high-altitude jet planes to try and stanch the rash of thieves making off with the helicopters that were purchased to staunch the rash of car thefts in the province.
“We can assure…
Since he thinks Nazis were socialists because of their name, here are 7 other titles and phrases…
Pierre Poilievre has repeatedly stated that the Nazis were socialists because their name is a shorthand for National Socialists. This is despite the fact that the Nazis rather infamously imprisoned and murdered thousands of people for the…
Collapsed crane obstructing Vancouver street for two weeks gentrified
VANCOUVER – There’s been one silver lining to the large blaze that recently gutted two buildings and displaced eleven people in Vancouver’s Dunbar neighborhood: the transformation of a massive fallen crane currently obstructing traffic at…
Blue Jays owners shocked to discover you’re allowed to fire Front Office when team sucks every year
TORONTO – The Board of Rogers Communications, owner of the Toronto Blue Jays, have expressed their shock at the information that they are within their rights to fire the executive team of Mark Shapiro and Ross Atkins on account of the team…
Doug Ford closes Safe Injection Site to make way for new All-You-Can-Drink Booze Guzzler’s Emporium
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced the imminent shutdown of a local safe injection site in favour of a new retail outlet devoted solely to alcohol consumption.
“I have heard the pleas of average Ontarians sick and tired…
Toronto couple living in tiny home enjoy tiny fight about tiny affair
Toronto, ON – A millennial Toronto couple who recently moved into a trendy new tiny home is enjoying their first tiny fight about a tiny affair.
“My wife discovered a tiny photo on my phone,” explained Josh Geary. “I had left my tiny phone…
Conservatives promise that, if they’re elected, your parents will reunite, your fav tv show will be…
OTTAWA – Continuing with their vision of the utopia Canada will be if they are elected, the Conservatives have announced that, within weeks of them taking over government, your life will basically be as good as it was when you were 13 years…
With pickleball surging in popularity, we tested which paddles are also good for spanking
TORONTO – Pickleball is one of Canada’s fastest growing sports, with its estimated 1.37 million players representing a massive increase over the eight people who played when the sport was last surveyed in 2019. Because household budgets are…
CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
Despite “being forced” to lay off dozens of journalists this year, the CBC was able to afford paying $3.3 million to 45 executives, for an average of over $70,000.00 per person. We reached out to a number of CBC execs so they could justify…
Trudeau leaves fifth unanswered voicemail offering to endorse Kamala Harris
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly left his fifth as of yet unanswered voicemail offering to “throw his weight” behind the presidential campaign of US Democratic candidate Kamala Harris.
“Hey, Kamala, this is Justin,…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.