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Beaverton
“Let’s do this again soon!” says friend you will literally never see again
TORONTO – A friend you will literally never see again has proclaimed you should “do this again soon!”
Carol Andrews, 29, made the bold statement after a thrice-cancelled brunch with your friend group from high school finally came to pass.…
“Confidence is the key to success” claim wealthy, attractive people
Guelph, ON – Have you ever wondered about the secret to a more successful life? It turns out it’s confidence, according to beautiful people born into generational wealth.
Decades of psychological and sociological research have found a…
Poilievre denies he’d be a Canadian Trump: “I’ll be more like a Canadian JD Vance”
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre continues to refute all Liberal Party attempts to tie him to President Donald Trump, insisting that if people pay close attention they’ll see he’s way more of a JD Vance type.
“Canadians see right through the…
Indie band goes on tour to recoup financial losses from last tour
OSHAWA, ON – Local indie band The Kneeling Neils have announced a new concert tour to recover the financial losses from their previous tour.
The indie folk rock outfit shared the news after the final tally for their most recent tour left…
Conservatives announce new innocuous thing they’re terrified of
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has officially announced that in addition to walkable cities, vaccines, and transgender children, they are also deeply afraid of eating bugs.
“We WON’T Eat Bugs,” the CPC said in an online petition…
5 ways Democrats can win the next election, all of which involve throwing Trans people under the bus…
With Democrats reeling from the magnitude of Donald Trump’s victory, analysts and party insiders are coming out with plans for how the party can recover in time for the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election. And we thought we’d…
Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is
OTTAWA – As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa’s Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map.…
“It feels like it comes earlier every year,” says premature ejaculator
TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating even earlier than usual this year. …
Study: 95% of hero dogs ignored by authorities when barking for help
REGINA, SK – A new study conducted by researchers at The Littlest Hobo Memorial University has uncovered a starling trend; in 95% of cases, most hero dogs’ attempts to get help are ignored by human authority figures.
“Going back through…
Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started
TORONTO – Local tax accountant Arthur Nowak has reported being unable to tell whether the city’s long-anticipated influx of Taylor Swift fans has begun, or if this is just regular Thursday morning traffic.
“I’ve been sitting on the…
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