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Trump on 51st State: “Canada needs America’s protection from countries like America”
WASHINGTON D.C. – Asked about his earlier comments regarding Canada becoming the 51st state, President Donald Trump clarified that Canada needs America to offer it protection from hostile aggressor nations like America.
Following the Trump…
Man who has spent entire political career attacking everybody promises he’ll attack Trump and Elon…
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre, who has famously spent his 21-year political career vociferously attacking any person or political entity which opposed him, has vowed to “any day now” begin training that same rhetorical fire on the American…
Ford to execute first prisoner by using Ontario healthcare system
LONDON, ON – After Premier Doug Ford was recorded joking about bringing back the death penalty, he has since confirmed that not only will he follow through with the idea, but he is already planning to execute his first prisoner using good…
Curling ad contains over two seconds of sizzling action
OTTAWA – Television viewers across the country have been wowed by a 30 second curling commercial that contains nearly 2.5 seconds of intense curling action.
“I always thought curling was just an excuse to get plastered,” said 43-year-old…
Canadian hockey fans prepare to call the 4 Nations Face-Off a brilliant idea or some made-up…
MONTREAL – As Team Canada gets set to play its first game in the inaugural 4 Nations Face-Off, fans across the country are ready to either celebrate a generation-defining victory or dismiss a totally meaningless defeat in a Mickey Mouse…
Single treat makes pet happier than owner can ever dream of being
COBOURG, ON ― Local housecat, Firecracker Devries, achieved a soaring pinnacle of sheer hedonistic pleasure today that is in equal measure inaccessible and inconceivable to her owner/servant/tolerated-acquaintance, Lucien Devries, upon…
New US tariffs force Canada to use excess steel, aluminum in construction of 200 ft Mecha-Gosling
OTTAWA – With US President Trump instituting 25% tariffs on all steel and aluminum imports, Canada has elected to use their excess metals in the most sensible way possible – by constructing a 21-storey-tall robotic weapon shaped after…
Poilievre hits play on the ‘don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’ part of Big Yellow Taxi,…
OTTAWA – Conservative insiders are growing concerned about Pierre Poilievre’s behaviour in recent days, as he is spending hours in his bedroom playing Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi while looking at photos of Trudeau.
“Every time a new…
Canada uses Super Bowl distraction to burn down White House again
WASHINGTON D.C. – After an estimated 113 million Americans tuned in to watch Super Bowl LIX, the nation arose Monday morning to discover that Canadian forces had used the opportunity to once again burn down their White House.
As nearly a…
NFL updates ‘No More Racism’ end zone message by removing the ‘No’
NEW ORLEANS, LA – The NFL has announced that the prominent end zone messages of “No More Racism” will be updated for Super Bowl LIX between the Kansas City Chiefs and Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday by simply removing the word ‘No’.
NFL…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.