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Doug Ford closes Safe Injection Site to make way for new All-You-Can-Drink Booze Guzzler’s Emporium
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced the imminent shutdown of a local safe injection site in favour of a new retail outlet devoted solely to alcohol consumption.
“I have heard the pleas of average Ontarians sick and tired…
Toronto couple living in tiny home enjoy tiny fight about tiny affair
Toronto, ON – A millennial Toronto couple who recently moved into a trendy new tiny home is enjoying their first tiny fight about a tiny affair.
“My wife discovered a tiny photo on my phone,” explained Josh Geary. “I had left my tiny phone…
Conservatives promise that, if they’re elected, your parents will reunite, your fav tv show will be…
OTTAWA – Continuing with their vision of the utopia Canada will be if they are elected, the Conservatives have announced that, within weeks of them taking over government, your life will basically be as good as it was when you were 13 years…
With pickleball surging in popularity, we tested which paddles are also good for spanking
TORONTO – Pickleball is one of Canada’s fastest growing sports, with its estimated 1.37 million players representing a massive increase over the eight people who played when the sport was last surveyed in 2019. Because household budgets are…
CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
Despite “being forced” to lay off dozens of journalists this year, the CBC was able to afford paying $3.3 million to 45 executives, for an average of over $70,000.00 per person. We reached out to a number of CBC execs so they could justify…
Trudeau leaves fifth unanswered voicemail offering to endorse Kamala Harris
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly left his fifth as of yet unanswered voicemail offering to “throw his weight” behind the presidential campaign of US Democratic candidate Kamala Harris.
“Hey, Kamala, this is Justin,…
Coppertone unveils new SPF 1,000,000 sunblock that shrouds land in eternal darkness
MONTREAL – As Canadians face another scorching hot summer, Coppertone has announced a new extra-potent sunscreen line that banishes the sun back behind the hills and mountains from which it dares to emerge and harass us.
“Even the strongest…
Your household budget if it was made by Metrolinx
Metrolinx, the entity whose approach to completing the Eglinton LRT is most accurately comparable to George R.R. Martin’s approach to finishing the A Song Of Ice And Fire books, has raised eyebrows for it’s costs in recent weeks. These…
Boeing offers stranded astronauts $200 voucher off next trip to space
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next trip into space.
Captains Butch Wilmore…
Trudeau pays surprise visit to Ottawa
OTTAWA – In a move that caught lawmakers and everyday Ottawans off guard, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau took time out of his busy schedule attending multicultural events, food festivals, and parades to make a surprise visit to Ottawa, a…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.