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Beaverton
Betrayal: That actor is actually British
ANYWHERE BUT ENGLAND – Viewers of a recent celebrity interview experienced feelings of shock and betrayal upon learning that that new actor is actually British, and not American as they portray on that current popular TV show/movie.
“When…
Latest federal poll shows surprise emergence of new frontrunner: Men’s 4×100 Relay Team
OTTAWA – The latest polling is showing an unexpected leader in federal politics – the Men’s 2024 Olympic 4×100 relay team. With 74% of respondents saying they intend to vote for the combined talents of Andre De Grasse, Aaron Brown, Jerome…
Leafs announce that making Matthews captain is the best way to distract fans from fact they haven’t…
TORONTO – In a press conference scheduled for Wednesday, the Toronto Maple Leafs are expected to announce that, after much deliberation, they believe giving Auston Matthews the captaincy is the best way to get everyone to stop talking about…
Environmental protestor at art gallery accidentally glues self to other environmental protestor
PARIS – In a curious display of activist incompetence, a protestor intent on gluing himself to a famous painting has instead found himself accidentally glued to another, unrelated protestor present for the same reason.
The mistaken mucilage…
Entire North American GDP just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat
OTTAWA – It was with a mix of embarrassment and concern that economists announced yesterday that almost the entire North American GDP, long thought to be a mature economy, is actually just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat.
“Upon…
Horrible teacher about to become even worse student
TORONTO – Former University of Toronto professor Jordan Peterson has agreed to take social media training in order to keep his license to practice psychology from the College of Psychologists of Ontario, to the extreme chagrin of every…
Adele releases new song about just going to the mall and hanging out with cute boys
LAS VEGAS – Speaking from her residency in Las Vegas, British singer-songwriter Adele has announced the release of a new single all about spending time at the mall, checking out cute boys, and just doing, you know, whatever.
“I’m quite…
Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus
OTTAWA – Local woman Marlene Kovach has decided to wait to return all her calls until she can do so in the middle of a bus full of other people.
“Sure I could call my mom when I get home,” said Kovach. “But it’s way more time efficient to…
Canadian tradition of giving children hammers at birth pays off
PARIS – The gold medals won this week by Canada’s Ethan Katzberg and Camryn Rogers in the men’s and women’s hammer throw at the 2024 Olympics have been a welcome and unexpected payoff of the longstanding Canadian tradition of giving…
10 more accurate insults for Pierre Poilievre than ‘weird’
In a “let’s just do what our American counterparts are doing but worse’ move that would make even Canadian tv broadcasters jealous, the Liberals are trying to take the weird insult Democrats have effectively lobbed against J.D. Vance and…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.