Browsing Category
Beaverton
Indie band goes on tour to recoup financial losses from last tour
OSHAWA, ON – Local indie band The Kneeling Neils have announced a new concert tour to recover the financial losses from their previous tour.
The indie folk rock outfit shared the news after the final tally for their most recent tour left…
Conservatives announce new innocuous thing they’re terrified of
OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has officially announced that in addition to walkable cities, vaccines, and transgender children, they are also deeply afraid of eating bugs.
“We WON’T Eat Bugs,” the CPC said in an online petition…
5 ways Democrats can win the next election, all of which involve throwing Trans people under the bus…
With Democrats reeling from the magnitude of Donald Trump’s victory, analysts and party insiders are coming out with plans for how the party can recover in time for the 2026 midterms and the 2028 presidential election. And we thought we’d…
Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is
OTTAWA – As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa’s Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map.…
“It feels like it comes earlier every year,” says premature ejaculator
TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating even earlier than usual this year. …
Study: 95% of hero dogs ignored by authorities when barking for help
REGINA, SK – A new study conducted by researchers at The Littlest Hobo Memorial University has uncovered a starling trend; in 95% of cases, most hero dogs’ attempts to get help are ignored by human authority figures.
“Going back through…
Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started
TORONTO – Local tax accountant Arthur Nowak has reported being unable to tell whether the city’s long-anticipated influx of Taylor Swift fans has begun, or if this is just regular Thursday morning traffic.
“I’ve been sitting on the…
Family of 5 enjoys 24 hour window where nobody sick
Vaughan, ON – Members of the Braiden family are excited to have an entire day where nobody in the house is sick.
“Usually October through April at least one of us will have a fever, sore throat or will be shooting absolute fire from both…
Steamy Romantasy goes into specifics of dragon sex
Vancouver, BC – The newest romantasy, Wings of Passion, is incredibly graphic in its specificity about dragon sex.
Sarah Butler was excited to read the newest novel by author Becky Yates. The third novel in the Firmament Series, Wings of…
“Democrats better get their shit together before the 2028 election,” says adorable friend who thinks…
Kincardine, ON – Local man Allan Terry has expressed his belief that the Democrats need to improve their messaging and policy efforts if they want to win the next Presidential election, charmingly revealing that he thinks there will be…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.