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Americans choose most expensive way possible to discover what goods made in Canada
WASHINGTON, D.C. – With US President Donald Trump declaring 25% tariffs on most Canadian goods, American citizens have officially chosen the most circuitous and economically painful method possible to investigate what everyday goods…
Injured ham sandwich rushed to Mayo Clinic
ROCHESTER, MN — Reports are coming in that a ham and cheese sandwich suffered a grievous injury in its internal ingredients, necessitating medical evacuation to the Mayo Clinic.
“This is about as serious a case as I’ve ever seen,” said…
Local cat thinks she’s better than you and is probably right
KINGSTON, ON – Following a careful side-by-side comparison between your life and that of that one cat in your neighborhood who acts like you aren’t worth the dirt on her paws, a panel of experts is starting to think the cat has a point.…
Doug Ford points to study that bikes are primary cause of gridlock in apartment building hallways
Toronto, ON – Addressing the media today, Ontario Premier Doug Ford presented compelling new evidence that bicycles – not cars – are the main cause of congestion in apartment building hallways.
“My bike-obsessed opponents make…
Everything Doug Ford was happy to do without asking for a Mandate from the electorate
Doug Ford has announced Ontarians will go to the polls this February. Even though he is only 2.5 years into his current regime, Ford says he needs “a strong mandate” from the people to deal with Donald Trump and his proposed tariffs. And…
China’s new and cheaper magic beans shock America’s unprepared magic bean salesmen
NEW YORK CITY – America’s magic bean market is in turmoil after a Chinese company unveiled a competing bean that’s less than one tenth the price but still just as useless.
“DeepBean’s new beans only require a third of the water that…
US tariffs prompt Canadians to stock up on smuggled handguns
WINDSOR, ON – With president Donald Trump threatening to impose blanket 25% tariffs on all goods crossing into the United States, Canadian citizens are hurrying to stockpile illegal American handguns before prices skyrocket.
“I’m stocking…
Problematic but brilliant doctor who plays by his own rules will put your new liver where he damn…
TORONTO – Renegade doctor Lance Falcon is shocking the medical establishment with his brilliant but wildly unorthodox thoughts on where your new liver should go, according to dazzled reporters.
“My so-called ‘teachers’ told me the liver…
Record-breaking Prince Edward Island manhunt enters 3rd hour
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – Law enforcement officers have confirmed that an ongoing search for an escaped convict, nearing 3 hours, is slated to be the longest someone has been able to evade the authorities in the province’s history.
According to…
Doug Ford announces snap election with ballots printed on backs of $200 cheques
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Ford announced today that he will call for a snap Ontario election, conducted entirely via mail-in ballots which have been conveniently printed on the backs of the $200 rebate cheques his government recently sent out.…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.