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Beaverton
Justin Trudeau announces another thing for Poilievre to cancel next year
OTTAWA – Yesterday Justin Trudeau made a bold commitment, announcing billions of dollars in funding for a massive government program to make Canadians lives better in some way, which Pierre Poilievre will absolutely cancel when he is…
Fall festival just summer festival with scarecrow
AIRDRIE – Airdrie’s annual Harvest Festival is clearly just the town’s annual Summer Carnival with some scarecrows and hay bales thrown in, according to underwhelmed sources.
“Look, they crossed out most of ‘Yeehaw!’ on the cowboy poster…
The Beaverton Is Dying. Unless You Save It
Beloved Readers,
When we started The Beaverton we were just a bunch of smartasses trying to make each other laugh during our weekly meeting on the second floor of a disgusting pub behind Honest Ed’s (they gave us 10% off chicken wings). We…
Trudeau to retain party leadership until newer, worthier Trudeau steps forward
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced he will step down from the Liberal Party leadership – as soon as a newer, worthier Trudeau comes forward to take his place.
Trudeau, who has held the party leadership since 2013, made the…
Report: Due to shrinkflation, Halloween chip bags now just air
TORONTO – When local man Peter Vidal decided to have “just one bag” of the Halloween chips he purchased for trick-or-treaters, he was shocked to discover that it contained only air.
“I was expecting the usual 4 or 5 chips, but there was…
Coworker putting up Christmas decorations justifiably murdered
TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations.
“She’d been starting earlier every year,” said HR representative Suzanne Lee. “But…
Local man’s “Dave Chappell Roan” Halloween costume hated by all
HALIFAX – Local Halloween enthusiast Mark Culvers’ latest costume, combining standup comedian Dave Chappelle and indie pop star Chappell Roan, was reportedly universally loathed at a recent house party.
Reports indicate that Culvers, 29,…
Trudeau to cut immigration so he has less competition for his job search next year
OTTAWA – Canada’s Liberal government has lowered immigration targets in the hopes Justin Trudeau sees less competition in the private sector job market when he starts sending around resumes sometime in the next few months.
The Federal…
Mom debating between saying sorry or just never talking to adult kids again
Winnipeg, MB – After realizing she messed up, mother Irena Dublin is debating between saying sorry or just never talking to her adult children again.
The family planned a dinner together and, when her children weren’t there, she proceeded…
The biggest celebrity from every province and some guy from PEI too
Canada – From multi-platinum recording artists to world-class athletes, some of the biggest stars in the world hail from nine of Canada’s ten beautiful provinces.
So, the next time you feel the urge to point out that a celebrity is…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.