Beaverton

OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau, Canada’s now exited prime minister, has reportedly been seen asking members of parliament to sign his yearbook. “It was kinda awkward,” began Hon. Chrystia Freeland from behind the parliamentary bleachers.…

OTTAWA – After winning the Liberal Party leadership race in a blowout victory, Prime Minister Designate Mark Carney removed his lifelike rubber mask to reveal that he had been current Prime Minister Justin Trudeau all along. “HAHAHAHAHA!”…

ORLANDO, FL – In the wake of the recent mid-air explosion of a SpaceX rocket, thousands mourn as the company confirms that the CEO, Elon Musk, was not aboard the ship. Following what a SpaceX rep Orwellianly described as a “Rapid…

COLLINGWOOD, ON – Move over, Shaun White. There’s a new snowboarder in town: one who doesn’t need to wow people with sick tricks or Olympic medals, because he’s got twelve lift tags on his black and yellow North Face winter jacket and…

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a robust initial showing, US President Donald J. Trump has announced to Canadians that he is unable to keep his strong tariffs going, in part “due to American booze”. White House insiders explain that Trump’s…

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is reportedly starting to feel he may have bitten off more than he can chew in his attacks on the United States after realizing they are immune to his most trusted tactic; slowly ruining the local…

AURORA — In a bold move that many are calling excessive and illegal, Bulk Barn has announced a new nationwide policy that all customers caught snacking in-store will be shot on sight. The announcement came via a pre-recorded message…

THESSALONIKI, GREECE ― Following a short jet-lagged nap, 34-year-old stock broker Rowan Goulding of Oshawa effectuated a Google search for “best restaurants near me.” Within moments, he was forced to, with the help of Google Translate,…

OTTAWA – Following America’s unprecedented levying of 25% tariffs on all Canadian products, Prime Minister Trudeau announced that Canada will apply retaliatory tariffs to specific US goods, including any Trump family businesses that haven’t…

EDMONTON – Alberta’s experiment with private healthcare delivery is already paying off, as the system is generating scandals at a rate unheard of by the province’s public-facing healthcare system. “Scandals are very important to the…