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Beaverton
How to enjoy “unseasonably warm” days without dreading inevitable doom
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Leafs fans attending playoff opener given special blue and white coloured stress ball
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Budget conscious Loblaws replaces Galen Weston with new No Name president
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World’s sick, injured travel to see NHL team doctors after they miraculously heal entire rosters in…
LAS VEGAS – People with injuries and illnesses that conventional doctors have been unable to hear have begun making medical pilgrimages to see NHL team doctors after hearing how they were able to somehow get their team’s previously injury…
TTC violence not linked to housing crisis, healthcare funding or the fact I hate Toronto declares…
TORONTO – I know that people are looking for someone to blame for the violence on the TTC but I can assure everyone that this is in no way linked to the housing crisis, healthcare funding or the fact that I absolutely fucking hate…
Man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here finally identified: Marty Williams of…
SCARBOROUGH — After decades of the question being asked by frustrated bar patrons, the identity of the man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here has been definitively identified as Marty Williams, produce clerk at a Sobey’s…
Local Torontonian wins race to subway seat
TORONTO, ON — Torontonian Mark Law has won a highly competitive local race, finishing his commute as the winner of the coveted “Seated Train Ride Home”.
On Line 1 at Bloor-Yonge Station, Law beat out a university student, an exhausted…
Rogers Centre renovations include private nook where fans can tell Blue Jays mascot everything they…
TORONTO – As the Toronto Blue Jays play the 2023 season’s first home games, fans are enjoying several offseason additions to the Rogers Centre, including a new bullpen bar, a large family play area, and a quiet corner where people can tell…
Sikh Community prepares for annual pilgrimage of White politicians to Brampton
BRAMPTON, ON – As Sikhs across Canada look forward to 2023’s Vaisakhi celebrations, volunteers in Brampton are hastily preparing in anticipation for one of their communities most cherished traditions: The yearly flood of pandering…
Walmart CEO claims stealing is really bad, unless it’s wages from your employees
Portland, Oregon – Walmart CEO Doug McMillon recently stated the rise in thefts from Walmart stores is very bad, unlike the hundreds of million dollars Walmart stole from its own employees.
“Several stores in lefty states have had to close…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.