Browsing Category
Beaverton
Optometrists finally admit there is no difference between one and two
Welland, ON – In a big win for optometry patients around the country, the nation’s eye doctors have finally come clean, admitting there is no difference between lens number one and lens number two.
“For decades, we’ve been asking…
Poilievre asks Elon Musk to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also to come to his birthday…
OTTAWA – Conservative opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has reached out publicly to Twitter CEO Elon Musk, asking him to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also if he wants to attend Poilievre’s birthday party happening at Chuck E.…
Florida student arrested after accidentally using wrong gender articles in Spanish class
LAKE CITY, FL ― A 10th-grade student has been taken into custody after she asked a friend to borrow “una bolígrafo” despite having been clearly taught that pens are male and should only be referenced using the articles “un,” “el,” “unos,”…
Québec reluctantly turns power back on for immigrants and Anglos
MONTREAL – After a million households lost electricity last week due the second once-in-a-lifetime ice storm most Quebeckers have faced in their lifetimes, Hydro Québec is reluctantly turning the power back on for the houses of immigrant…
Alberta government passes legislation to protect vulnerable gun population
EDMONTON, AB- The Alberta provincial government has restated its commitment to providing protection and support for the provinces’ most marginalized and under-supported population sectors: firearms.
“With our proposed legislation, we will…
Pope decrees that every Friday is a Good Friday when you’re hanging with your buds
VATICAN CITY – Supreme Pontiff Pope Francis has marked the holiest week on the Christian calendar by reminding Catholics worldwide that it’s important to kick it with your pals.
“On Good Friday, we fast to honour the sacrifice Jesus made…
Woman celebrates 3 hours of socialisation by not leaving apartment for 32 days
GATINEAU, QC – Matilda Hammond, a work-from-home closed-caption writer, caught up with some university pals at a bar for three hours last month, and then rewarded herself by spending the next 32 days by not leaving her apartment.
“I’m your…
Galen Weston defends $3 million raise by asking “Have you seen how expensive stuff is getting…
Caledon, Ontario –Loblaws CEO Galen Weston defended his $3 million raise this week by noting that it’s really not that much when you think of how expensive things are nowadays.
“Have you been to the grocery store lately?” asked the…
Last of Us moves filming to Vancouver; Albertans pretend they never liked it
CALGARY– In a well-known trope for residents of Canada’s most put-upon province, Albertans reacted to this week’s news that HBO’s The Last of Us is moving production to Vancouver by claiming they never liked the show, couldn’t see what the…
Nation relieved to see Trump indicted before he could do anything really bad
NEW YORK – People across the United States and entire world are reportedly breathing sighs of relief that the former President is experiencing legal consequences, before he could do any real damage.
“It’s been a terrifying seven years,”…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.