Beaverton

VANCOUVER – Jordan Peterson has once again demonstrated why he’s the twenty-first century’s premier expert on masculinity when he recently took aim at the scourge of paper towel dispensers asking people to not to use more than they need.…

BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people for things they need to stay alive.” “In the past we tried…

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After years of denial, the global community of medical professionals has finally admitted that they have no scientifically based method to alleviate a case of the hiccups. “Medical science has been trying to find a…

WINDSOR ON – Through slightly bleeding gums and a raw tongue, Jarrod Pumpfrey declared that salt and vinegar chips are definitely the best chip flavour in the world. Pumpfrey has always seen himself as a chip aficionado. He ate his first…

TORONTO – Marcella Ford, niece of Ontario Premier Doug Ford, has announced that her upcoming Sweet 16 Birthday Party will have the theme of Urban Development Opportunities. “A lot of my friends were going with traditional themes like the…

MONCTON – Officials announced Monday that local health inspector Burt Beynolds has been let go from his position as city health inspector for judging restaurants according to his particular preferences, instead of municipal bylaws.…

OTTAWA — Singer Jully Black’s rendition of O Canada at the NBA All-Star game, in which she changed the lyric to “Our home on Native land,” was overwhelmingly and universally well received by the nation’s trolls. “Not only did she switch…

OTTAWA – Leader of the opposition Pierre Poilievre is calling on “left-wing scrum” Justin Trudeau to stop dividing Canadians on political lines. “Canadians don’t need a leader who puts down his fellow countrymen by calling them ‘a fringe…

We’ve all been there. That woman you took one-and-a-half courses with in college slides into your DMs after over a decade of silence with a message starting with “hey girlie!” Now that COVID’s “obvi over”, she wants to meet for coffee to…

OLDFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR ― In a move being described by millions of Canadian pedants as “about time,” Newfoundland is relinquishing its hold on its increasingly inaccurate name to become Oldfoundland and Labrador. “Back in the day, I…