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In order to retire average Canadian will need to set aside 100% of income every month
OTTAWA – A new survey by BMO financial group has concluded that Canadians will need approximately $1.7M saved in order to retire, a figure to achieve which a Canadian earning an average income would need to set aside approximately 100% of…
Emergencies Act report finds that assholes were indeed assholes
OTTAWA – The highly-anticipated Emergencies Act Inquiry report by Commissioner Paul Rouleau finds that the Trudeau Government’s invocation of the act did indeed meet the legislation’s high “asshole threshold”.
“Lawful protest descended into…
In defense of wealthy British transphobes
J.K. Rowling is, by any metric, one of the most successful people on Earth. Her net worth is estimated at a billion dollars, her books have sold half a billion copies, and Harry Potter is one of the most profitable and well-known…
Trudeau hires consulting firm to examine government over-reliance on consulting firms
OTTAWA – Amidst charges that the Federal Liberal Party has awarded excessive contracts to consulting firms, namely McKinsey & Company, Prime Minister Trudeau has vowed to study the situation with the help of a newly-engaged consulting…
Hospitals to fight critical staffing shortage by declaring that all PhDs are “that kind of doctor”…
OTTAWA – In an effort to combat the national doctor shortage crippling many provincial healthcare systems, hospitals across Canada have declared that all PhD holders, regardless of field, are in fact “that kind of doctor now.”
“Honestly,…
Indigo website down, book lovers forced to read books they already own
NATIONWIDE — Following a cyber attack that left the Indigo website inaccessible, book lovers across the country have been forced to turn to the many, many books they already own.
“I’m at such a loss for words,” says frequent customer Kit…
5 ways to thank your food delivery guy that say “please don’t murder me I don’t want to die alone on…
Look, we’ve all been there. Singles Awareness Day – er, Valentine’s Day – once again rolls around, and all your lonely ass can do to celebrate is order an ungodly amount of food and watch Netflix.
But unlike every other day of the year,…
REPORT: Oh Fuck! Rihanna still up there!
GLENDALE, AZ – Late-breaking reports indicate that despite Rihanna’s electrifying Super Bowl Halftime Show being watched by millions, nobody remembered to lower her weird platform thing and the superstar entertainer has been suspended high…
New Brunswick purchases Super Bowl ad by selling Moncton
FREDERICTON – During tonight’s Super Bowl broadcast viewers will see a new ad encouraging tourists to visit scenic New Brunswick, which the province financed by selling off the city of Moncton.
“We’re viewing this ad as a marketing…
Super Bowl: M&Ms rebrand as S&Ms
GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&Ms.
“When conservatives raised concerns that…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.