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Beaverton
John Tory’s career inevitably cut short by his raw, unstoppable sexual magnetism
TORONTO – In the wake of Toronto Mayor John Tory’s shocking announcement that he will be stepping down after admitting he had an affair with a staffer earlier this year, residents across the city are saddened, but unsurprised, that Tory’s…
John Tory admits to fucking Toronto
TORONTO – In breaking news, Mayor John Tory has announced his resignation after admitting to fucking Toronto.
“It was a serious error of judgment on my part,” the longtime politician said during a press conference. “Between raising police…
“Can’t complain,” says cashier who’ll get fired if she complains
TORONTO — Sam Baquiran, cashier at a Shoppers Drug Mart on Pape and Danforth, recently had a customer ask how she was doing. “Can’t complain,” she responded, given that she’ll lose her job if she even jokingly gripes about the cocktail of…
Indie horror film ‘Skinamarink’ explores twisted side of Sharon, Lois, and Bram
EDMONTON – The recently-released indie horror film Skinamarink promises to explore the dark, nightmarish visions behind classic Canadian children’s entertainers Sharon, Lois, and Bram.
Beaverton
Nova Scotia Power clarifies residents can always take their business to another monopoly
HALIFAX – Following frustration in response to Nova Scotia Power’s announcement of a 14% rate hike, the CEO of the province’s energy monopoly insists unhappy customers are free to deal with one of their non-existent competitors.
At a press…
Guinness frantically publishing new world record book every time LeBron scores another basket
LOS ANGELES – Staff at Guinness World Records are scrambling to publish an up-to-date version of their record book every time LeBron James breaks his own all-time scoring record.
“It was so exciting when LeBron broke Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s…
Narcissist sends himself dick pic
MOUNT PEARL, NL – Locally renowned narcissist, Charles Mizzard, has been telling anyone who will listen about the “spectacular” dick pic he sent himself. Many residents have been unable to avoid this information since Charles mentions it to…
This streamer made sad faces while playing Hogwarts Legacy to show everyone they’re not transphobic
VANCOUVER – In an effort to assure his fans, advertisers, and the internet at large that he is not transphobic, Twitch star John Dalton made certain to make sad faces throughout today’s Hogwarts Legacy stream.
The open-world RPG video game…
Doug Ford announces 50% of all Ontario surgeries will now be done by his buddy Steve
TORONTO – In an effort to reduce wait times for surgeries in the province of Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has announced that as many as half of all surgeries will now be handled by his good buddy Steve.
“I don’t want anyone to say that…
Crying character in movie can’t find perfect wall to slide down
FAKE NEW YORK – Emma Sanford, a character in the recent Netflix romcom Here And/Or There who recently experienced an upsetting breakup, has reported being unable to find the perfect wall to slide down as she cries.
“My apartment walls are…
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