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Beaverton
Report: Austin Butler spent years stealing music from black artists to prepare for “Elvis” role
LOS ANGELES – Method actor Austin Butler shared the lengths he went to in order to get into character of the legendary singer Elvis Presley by appropriating Black culture for profit for several years before filming began.
“Some actors would…
In historic first, Dollarama opens second cash
MONTREAL – A local Dollarama defied every expectation and opened a second cash register at the St. Laurent location in the plateau at approximately 3:44 PM on Friday. The register was opened to better accommodate the line of more than…
“Chinese New Year, Chinese New Me” announces white woman
See More: China, cultural appropriation, lunar new year, new year resolution, news in photo Beaverton
Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’
VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal mind and the results are: nothing interesting.
The study involved dozens of scientists from around the world…
Guy giving urine sample can’t stop peeing
FREDERICTON – Onlookers are stunned as local software engineer Tyler Fontaine has spent the last 6 days continuously urinating into a medical sample cup.
For the past 140 hours, staff and observers have been gathered in the third floor…
Doug Ford moves to protect 1.8 million acres of urban sprawl from encroachment of Greenbelt
PICKERING, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has passed legislation that will help protect precious low-density housing, winding streets, and majestic parking lots from the encroachment of the Green Belt.
“Today, we are putting a stop to the…
Danielle Smith warns that Justin Trudeau’s reckless politics will get 400 million Albertans fired
EDMONTON – Premier Danielle Smith has warned that Ottawa’s upcoming Just Transition bill will cost hundreds of millions of Albertans their jobs in the oil and gas industry.
“After a federal memo from last September briefly discussed how…
Gift certificate squandered
CALGARY – Frank Benton has wasted the $150 Best Buy gift card his parents gave him for Christmas, despite spending weeks carefully thinking about how to use it.
Local sources report that Benton has purchased a cable he forgot he already…
Study: Best way to get rid of a body is to check it as luggage with Air Canada
TORONTO – A new study has revealed that the best way to get rid of an unwanted cadaver is to carefully pack it into a suitcase and check it as luggage with Air Canada at a local airport.
“Checking in bodies with Canada’s largest air carrier…
Four tips for mental wellness that don’t do shit because it’s dark at fucking 4pm
It’s important to do everything possible to stay ahead of the winter blahs, especially as the long nights drag on and January’s icy grasp makes you want to leave this frigid mortal coil. Luckily, we’ve got four nifty tricks that will do…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.