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Beaverton
Parents shocked to discover house they have lived in for twenty years has heating
BARRIE, ON – A local couple who have lived in the same house for over two decades have been shocked to discover their home has heating.
“It’s just not something that ever occurred to us,” says matriarch Holly Friesen, her breath visible in…
Report: Red Deer the Boston Pizza of cities
RED DEER – An extensive investigation by the United Nations has concluded that, among all of Canada’s cities, Red Deer, Alberta is the one that most resembles the country’s iconically mediocre chain restaurant.
“Red Deer is… fine,” said a…
CBC Gem to crack down on password sharing as soon as anyone signs up for a paid account
TORONTO – As Netflix cracks down on people sharing passwords in order to boost its revenue CBC Gem has announced that it too will stop all of its paid Premium Account members from sharing their password just as soon as someone signs up for…
TikTok faces investigation from Canadian privacy WOW look at that fun dance HEY a cool dog
OTTAWA – Canada’s federal privacy watchdog, along with three provincial counterparts, has launched a joint investigation into the controversial social media WHOA check out that hashtag challenge I gotta try that LOOK LOOK a new dance…
Local son happily purchases board game that will unwittingly cause parent’s divorce
Bucks Game Emporium, Ontario – Daniel Martow is pretty jazzed about the board game he just purchased that will, unbeknownst to him, lead to his parent’s divorce in one year.
“I haven’t seen my parents for a long time,” admitted Daniel. “And…
Bigshot winter market vendor sells over four wooden doodads
SCARBOROUGH – Sellers and customers at the Scarborough Winter Market were blown away after long-time vendor Tyler Shen sold nearly half a dozen wooden doohickeys in a single day.
“When I saw his paperweights I just knew I had to have one,”…
5 perfectly innocent explanations for why 3 Conservative MPs met with a Nazi
Yesterday Leslyn Lewis, Dean Allison and Colin Carrie had a lengthy meeting with far-right European Parliament member Christine Anderson, shortly before she went on to pose for photos with Neo-Nazi group Diagalon. Does this “look bad”?…
Foreign spies only people still interested in Canadian politics
OTTAWA – After a damning CSIS report revealing efforts by Chinese spies to influence Canada’s 2019 election, a follow-up report by Elections Canada concluded that foreign spies appear to be the only remaining group of people in the country…
Jordan Peterson whines about paper towel in dizzying display of masculine power
VANCOUVER – Jordan Peterson has once again demonstrated why he’s the twenty-first century’s premier expert on masculinity when he recently took aim at the scourge of paper towel dispensers asking people to not to use more than they need.…
Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”
BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people for things they need to stay alive.”
“In the past we tried…
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