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Man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here finally identified: Marty Williams of…
SCARBOROUGH — After decades of the question being asked by frustrated bar patrons, the identity of the man whose dick you have to suck to get a drink around here has been definitively identified as Marty Williams, produce clerk at a Sobey’s…
Local Torontonian wins race to subway seat
TORONTO, ON — Torontonian Mark Law has won a highly competitive local race, finishing his commute as the winner of the coveted “Seated Train Ride Home”.
On Line 1 at Bloor-Yonge Station, Law beat out a university student, an exhausted…
Rogers Centre renovations include private nook where fans can tell Blue Jays mascot everything they…
TORONTO – As the Toronto Blue Jays play the 2023 season’s first home games, fans are enjoying several offseason additions to the Rogers Centre, including a new bullpen bar, a large family play area, and a quiet corner where people can tell…
Sikh Community prepares for annual pilgrimage of White politicians to Brampton
BRAMPTON, ON – As Sikhs across Canada look forward to 2023’s Vaisakhi celebrations, volunteers in Brampton are hastily preparing in anticipation for one of their communities most cherished traditions: The yearly flood of pandering…
Walmart CEO claims stealing is really bad, unless it’s wages from your employees
Portland, Oregon – Walmart CEO Doug McMillon recently stated the rise in thefts from Walmart stores is very bad, unlike the hundreds of million dollars Walmart stole from its own employees.
“Several stores in lefty states have had to close…
Optometrists finally admit there is no difference between one and two
Welland, ON – In a big win for optometry patients around the country, the nation’s eye doctors have finally come clean, admitting there is no difference between lens number one and lens number two.
“For decades, we’ve been asking…
Poilievre asks Elon Musk to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also to come to his birthday…
OTTAWA – Conservative opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has reached out publicly to Twitter CEO Elon Musk, asking him to label CBC as “government-funded media” and also if he wants to attend Poilievre’s birthday party happening at Chuck E.…
Florida student arrested after accidentally using wrong gender articles in Spanish class
LAKE CITY, FL ― A 10th-grade student has been taken into custody after she asked a friend to borrow “una bolígrafo” despite having been clearly taught that pens are male and should only be referenced using the articles “un,” “el,” “unos,”…
Québec reluctantly turns power back on for immigrants and Anglos
MONTREAL – After a million households lost electricity last week due the second once-in-a-lifetime ice storm most Quebeckers have faced in their lifetimes, Hydro Québec is reluctantly turning the power back on for the houses of immigrant…
Alberta government passes legislation to protect vulnerable gun population
EDMONTON, AB- The Alberta provincial government has restated its commitment to providing protection and support for the provinces’ most marginalized and under-supported population sectors: firearms.
“With our proposed legislation, we will…
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