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Beaverton
Man finally gets around to last month’s HelloFresh box
EDMONTON – Sources in Jason Freeman’s apartment have reported that the 28-year-old accountant is finally finishing up the HelloFresh meal kit that arrived over four weeks ago.
“Jason just let the box take up space in the fridge until…
Fantasy Manager who drafted Tage Thompson won’t shut the fuck up about it
VANCOUVER – Local coworkers are expressing frustration as one member of their fantasy hockey league, Dave Henson in Sales, won’t stop bragging for 10 goddamned seconds about his late-pick drafting of Sabres star Tage Thompson.
The…
Due to inflation, Newfoundland time zone now 45 minutes past the hour
ST JOHN’S – The Government of Newfoundland and Labrador this week announced that after adjustments for inflation, Newfoundland’s time zone will be shifted to 45 minutes past the hour.
Premier Andrew Furey stunned the province with the…
Liberals assure Canadians they would never lie about something as important as our elections
OTTAWA – As allegations continue to mount about how much Justin Trudeau and the Liberals knew about China interfering in our elections, the party that promised to institute electoral reform swears they would never lie about election…
Last shred of joy taxed 6.3% more
OTTAWA – The federal government has announced a new 6.3% tax on beer, wine, and all other alcoholic spirits that represent the last fragment of happiness in your otherwise pointless existence.
“Coping mechanisms are lucrative – especially…
McDonald’s releases Big Mac Sauce-flavoured lube
Brantford, ON – McDonald’s just announced the release of its new Big Mac sauce-flavoured personal lubricant. Following the success of the Chicken Big Mac and Big Mac sauce dip, the fast-food giant believes this is the next logical step for…
Lesbian couple grocery shopping not aware their existence is a political statement
KITCHENER, ON – Local lesbian couple Maggie Chaney and Marianne Mathams recently created a sociopolitical stir in a No Frills by engaging in the bold act of being homosexuals out in the world.
According to eyewitnesses, the couple’s…
Conservatives explain why we need private healthcare
As more Conservative lead provinces move towards a two tier healthcare system despite Universal Healthcare being extremely popular with Canadians, we asked some politicians why the move was necessary. Here is what they said:…
New morning radio crew doesn’t play music or talk, just laughs and laughs and laughs
CALGARY — CHFM launched a new weekday morning team who never play music or even speak; they spend their three hour broadcast block in constant laughter.
“ Billie Jo and Candice laughed plenty,” said station manager Jason Reid, “but they…
After big Oscars win, cast and crew of “Everything Everywhere All at Once” admit they found it…
LOS ANGELES – Following numerous Oscar wins for the film Everything Everywhere All At Once, various cast and crew are acknowledging that they, much like many moviegoers, found themselves baffled by its content.
“PHEW! You have no idea how…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.