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UPDATE: Gerbil has already surpassed your fitness goals

TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding. Bepple purchased the two-month-old Mongolian gerbil…

Last shred of joy taxed 6.3% more

OTTAWA – The federal government has announced a new 6.3% tax on beer, wine, and all other alcoholic spirits that represent the last fragment of happiness in your otherwise pointless existence. “Coping mechanisms are lucrative – especially…

McDonald’s releases Big Mac Sauce-flavoured lube

Brantford, ON – McDonald’s just announced the release of its new Big Mac sauce-flavoured personal lubricant. Following the success of the Chicken Big Mac and Big Mac sauce dip, the fast-food giant believes this is the next logical step for…

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