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“Politics don’t affect me”, says guy complaining about inflation, the price of gas, the housing…
AJAX, ON – Local gas station cashier Geoff Wayne is proud to report that politics don’t affect him despite political policy being the source of every single one of his problems.
“Listen, I know that there’s a time and place for politics”,…
Farsighted man can only find clitoris from across the room
THUNDER BAY, ON – Optometrist Dr. Emily Hu wasn’t looking for a new case study when she discovered her new boyfriend Hunter Nelson’s excellent far vision somehow hindered his ability to find the clitoris at close range.
“BADD, or Bean…
Harry hopes publicizing struggles will help ordinary people with their own world-famous royal…
LOS ANGELES – Speaking at a launch event for his new memoir “Spare”, Prince Harry of the United Kingdom communicated his desire that the book will be used as a tool for regular people dealing with their own overbearing 150-year-old dynastic…
After “I’m Japanese” controversy Gwen Stefani says “sorry”, immediately claims to be Canadian
CHICAGO – In the wake of a backlash against recent claims by Gwen Stefani that she is “Japanese”, the singer attended a hastily-gathered news conference where she apologised for her hurtful comments, by saying “Sorry” in a manner befitting…
Hockey world in shock after NHL star marries brunette
NEW YORK CITY – Controversial Rangers defenseman Darryl King has set tongues wagging in the NHL community with his marriage to Katherine Evermore, who, according to insiders, is “almost offensively not-blonde”.
Though King leads the league…
Marjorie Taylor Greene cuts ties with Dre after being told he’s a doctor
Washington, D.C. – US House member Marjorie Taylor Greene has cut professional ties with hip hop artist Dr. Dre after discovering through various sources that he is a doctor.
“I don’t work with science-based phonies,” explained Greene. “I…
Pierre Poilievre challenges Ontario College of Psychologists to a duel over Jordan Peterson’s honour
OTTAWA – Following the news that the College of Psychologists of Ontario have asked clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson to undergo retraining for social media etiquette or lose his licence, Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre jumped into…
7 more fake Voltaire quotes to use when making a political argument
“I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to my death your right to say it” is as overused as it is not something Voltaire ever said. So we thought we’d help out by giving you 7 other made up Voltaire quotes the next time you…
Trump sues far-right Brazilian protestors for trademark infringement
BRASILIA – As far-right supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro riot in the country’s capital to protest his electoral loss, former US president Donald Trump has sued them for “stealing my trademark move”.
“The violence, the…
Following Speaker victory, Kevin McCarthy confident it will be “smooth sailing from here”
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Kevin McCarthy emerging victorious late Friday night in his bid to become the House Speaker with a resounding 49.7 percent of the vote, he now carries a clear mandate from a united coalition that is definitely not…
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