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Scientist: Otters are actually just wet dogs
Kingston, ON – A senior researcher at Queen’s University claimed this week that otters don’t exist and are actually just wet dogs.
“It all came to me at the cottage,” said zoologist Dick Jones. “I was showing my wife pictures of sea otter…
Globetrotting “E” returns from Paris trip having adopted local accent
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“Nobody puts baby in a corner,” explains nurse in maternity ward rotunda
See More: baby, dirty dancing, Dumb Week, hospital, maternity ward, news in photo Beaverton
Nation’s dads announce plan to see you next year
OTTAWA — Pausing briefly during the lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, Canada’s dads reaffirmed their commitment to see the various people in their lives next year while loudly snickering to themselves.
Donning 2023-shaped glasses, fathers spanning…
Labour shortage leads to downsizing at maternity ward
VANCOUVER – In an alarming turn of events, the maternity ward at St. Paul’s hospital has announced that it will likely be downsizing, apparently due to a severe labour shortage. However, there seems to be some confusion about what type of…
House guest surprised to discover it’s suddenly a faux-pas to fuck the family whale
YORKTON, SK — Jordan Russell was surprised, upon visiting his girlfriend Sara Geisbrecht’s family over the holidays, to discover that they consider it extremely gauche to fuck the family whale.
“Even family members don’t fuck Danny,”…
Small-dicked man still manages to fuck himself
ROMANIA — Former kickboxer and famously small-penised man, Andrew Tate, somehow managed to take the time out of his busy schedule of trolling teenage girls on the internet to fuck himself, despite, as previously noted, his laughably tiny…
Ten best “Best of” lists: Our list
With the abundance of Best Of Year lists clogging up the internet every December, it’s hard to know which ones are worth your time. Luckily for you, the tireless team at The Beaverton has read all of them. That’s right, we’ve read every…
Hamburglar’s crime spree escalates to vehicular hamslaughter
MCDONALDLAND – A citywide manhunt has begun for the Hamburglar after his petty criminal streak escalated to include several counts of vehicular hamslaughter.
“We do what we can to fight recidivism and escalation within the system,” said…
Decline in purity culture leads to shortage of extra-virgin olive oil
PUGLIA, ITALY ― Olive oil is a household staple, with extra-virgin varieties particularly prized for their minimal processing. But with fewer and fewer people saving themselves for marriage, one of the key ingredients in this beloved…
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