Beaverton

OTTAWA – In an effort to combat the national doctor shortage crippling many provincial healthcare systems, hospitals across Canada have declared that all PhD holders, regardless of field, are in fact “that kind of doctor now.” “Honestly,…

NATIONWIDE — Following a cyber attack that left the Indigo website inaccessible, book lovers across the country have been forced to turn to the many, many books they already own. “I’m at such a loss for words,” says frequent customer Kit…

Look, we’ve all been there. Singles Awareness Day – er, Valentine’s Day – once again rolls around, and all your lonely ass can do to celebrate is order an ungodly amount of food and watch Netflix. But unlike every other day of the year,…

GLENDALE, AZ – Late-breaking reports indicate that despite Rihanna’s electrifying Super Bowl Halftime Show being watched by millions, nobody remembered to lower her weird platform thing and the superstar entertainer has been suspended high…

FREDERICTON – During tonight’s Super Bowl broadcast viewers will see a new ad encouraging tourists to visit scenic New Brunswick, which the province financed by selling off the city of Moncton. “We’re viewing this ad as a marketing…

GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&Ms. “When conservatives raised concerns that…

TORONTO – In the wake of Toronto Mayor John Tory’s shocking announcement that he will be stepping down after admitting he had an affair with a staffer earlier this year, residents across the city are saddened, but unsurprised, that Tory’s…

TORONTO – In breaking news, Mayor John Tory has announced his resignation after admitting to fucking Toronto. “It was a serious error of judgment on my part,” the longtime politician said during a press conference. “Between raising police…

TORONTO — Sam Baquiran, cashier at a Shoppers Drug Mart on Pape and Danforth, recently had a customer ask how she was doing. “Can’t complain,” she responded, given that she’ll lose her job if she even jokingly gripes about the cocktail of…

EDMONTON – The recently-released indie horror film Skinamarink promises to explore the dark, nightmarish visions behind classic Canadian children’s entertainers Sharon, Lois, and Bram. Beaverton