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Doug Ford announces 50% of all Ontario surgeries will now be done by his buddy Steve
TORONTO – In an effort to reduce wait times for surgeries in the province of Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has announced that as many as half of all surgeries will now be handled by his good buddy Steve.
“I don’t want anyone to say that…
Crying character in movie can’t find perfect wall to slide down
FAKE NEW YORK – Emma Sanford, a character in the recent Netflix romcom Here And/Or There who recently experienced an upsetting breakup, has reported being unable to find the perfect wall to slide down as she cries.
“My apartment walls are…
The Last Of Us producers reveal VFX needed to make Calgary look less post-apocalyptic
CALGARY – Producers of HBO’s post apocalyptic series The Last Of Us recently revealed how shooting in Calgary forced them to use VFX to hide the city’s bleaker wasteland aspects.
The series, which takes place 20 years after the world’s…
Editorial: Kids today are overprotected! I died in a fire.
OLD TOWN OF YORK – Look, I’m not someone who rises from the grave easily. I’m just a normal taxpayer like anyone else. I keep my head down, visit the dying, scare cats, and I don’t get excited about things that don’t concern me. But someone…
Financial advisors recommend buying grocery stock instead of groceries
OTTAWA – Recent consumer data was shows an alarming majority of Canadians continue to spend their grocery budget on groceries, despite the advice of financial experts to buy grocery stocks instead.
“Canadian food prices are sky high, as is…
Netflix to produce another Adam Sandler movie for every person caught account sharing
LOS ANGELES – As part of its crackdown on password sharing streaming giant Netflix has announced that for every person it catches using someone else’s account it will produce one more Adam Sandler movie.
“We can no longer allow people to…
Galen Weston liberates No Name brand from shackles of tyrannical price freeze
BRAMPTON, ON – Galen Weston, billionaire philanthropist and benevolent overlord of the Loblaws grocery empire, has graciously announced plans to liberate No Name brand products from their unjust price freeze, effective February 1st.
“Much…
Nestle Canada to “wind down” frozen food sales, focus on Evil
TORONTO — Nestlé Canada has announced it will be ending sales of its Delissio, Stouffer’s, and Lean Cuisine brands as the corporate entity shifts toward investing more in committing blatant acts of evil.
According to a press release from…
White Guy insists on finding Chinese restaurant with “authentic” General Tso’s Chicken
TORONTO – Jeff Fisher, a local white guy, has demanded that, for his weekly dinner out with his core group of friends, they try to find a place with truly authentic General Tso’s Chicken on the menu.
“I’m sick and tired of stuff like Manchu…
Quebec outraged that anti-Islamophobia representative is able to identify Islamophobic law
QUEBEC – The Quebec government demanded that the federal government withdraw its support of Amira Elghawaby, the new representative to combat Islamophobia, because of her willingness to identify its Islamophobic Bill 21 as Islamophobic.
“It…
Play Hard. Get Dirty. Use Good Saop.