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Beaverton
Local son happily purchases board game that will unwittingly cause parent’s divorce
Bucks Game Emporium, Ontario – Daniel Martow is pretty jazzed about the board game he just purchased that will, unbeknownst to him, lead to his parent’s divorce in one year.
“I haven’t seen my parents for a long time,” admitted Daniel. “And…
Bigshot winter market vendor sells over four wooden doodads
SCARBOROUGH – Sellers and customers at the Scarborough Winter Market were blown away after long-time vendor Tyler Shen sold nearly half a dozen wooden doohickeys in a single day.
“When I saw his paperweights I just knew I had to have one,”…
5 perfectly innocent explanations for why 3 Conservative MPs met with a Nazi
Yesterday Leslyn Lewis, Dean Allison and Colin Carrie had a lengthy meeting with far-right European Parliament member Christine Anderson, shortly before she went on to pose for photos with Neo-Nazi group Diagalon. Does this “look bad”?…
Foreign spies only people still interested in Canadian politics
OTTAWA – After a damning CSIS report revealing efforts by Chinese spies to influence Canada’s 2019 election, a follow-up report by Elections Canada concluded that foreign spies appear to be the only remaining group of people in the country…
Jordan Peterson whines about paper towel in dizzying display of masculine power
VANCOUVER – Jordan Peterson has once again demonstrated why he’s the twenty-first century’s premier expert on masculinity when he recently took aim at the scourge of paper towel dispensers asking people to not to use more than they need.…
Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”
BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people for things they need to stay alive.”
“In the past we tried…
Medical Experts admit there is no cure for hiccups
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After years of denial, the global community of medical professionals has finally admitted that they have no scientifically based method to alleviate a case of the hiccups.
“Medical science has been trying to find a…
Bleeding mouth man declares salt and vinegar chips are the best
WINDSOR ON – Through slightly bleeding gums and a raw tongue, Jarrod Pumpfrey declared that salt and vinegar chips are definitely the best chip flavour in the world.
Pumpfrey has always seen himself as a chip aficionado. He ate his first…
Doug Ford’s niece announces theme of her Sweet 16 will be Urban Development Opportunities
TORONTO – Marcella Ford, niece of Ontario Premier Doug Ford, has announced that her upcoming Sweet 16 Birthday Party will have the theme of Urban Development Opportunities.
“A lot of my friends were going with traditional themes like the…
Health inspector fired for being a picky eater
MONCTON – Officials announced Monday that local health inspector Burt Beynolds has been let go from his position as city health inspector for judging restaurants according to his particular preferences, instead of municipal bylaws.…
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