SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. “By signing this document, you…

NEW YORK, NY — With firearm violence dominating the news once again, CBS News sought to highlight the progress being made in other parts of the galaxy by airing an episode of the popular news magazine 60 Minutes that praised the Galactic…

NEW YORK, NY — In a move intended to capitalize on his popularity with the show's audience, NBC announced that UnitedHealthcare CEO killer Luigi Mangione would host next week's episode of Saturday Night Live.The show, which was originally…

BLUE SPRINGS, MO — As holiday preparations continued to be made, one local dad could hardly contain his excitement for the time to come to open gifts, as he couldn't wait to play with the toys he got his kids for Christmas.Aaron Timson…

Scientists have for the first time created mouse stem cells from the genes of a single-celled life form, using these newly generated stem cells to help form a living, breathing mouse from a developing embryo. What do you think? “So…

LAS VEGAS—Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus’ sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter…

U.S. — Media personality Candace Owens was shocked and appalled today after discovering that Christmas originated because of the birth of a Jew."You've got to be kidding me," exclaimed a stunned Owens. "This whole thing -- the lights, the…

HEAVEN — Upon arriving in Heaven, Ron Darnold was absolutely stoked to discover that the angelic choir greeting him sounded exactly like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra."Oh man, that sounds just like 'Sarajevo 12/24.' This is SWEET," said…

U.S. — In response to mounting lawsuits over journalistic malpractice, ABC has decided to add a ticker telling viewers that for legal purposes, no one should ever believe anything said on their news programs.The ticker will run on all ABC…

SPRINGFIELD, OH — In an unfortunate development discovered last night, all of the animals from the live nativity scene in Springfield, Ohio have suddenly gone missing.Goats, sheep, two donkeys and a camel are among the missing, last seen on…

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys. 1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to…

With only a few days left before the calendar turns to 2025, it's time to look back and honor some of this year's most amazing achievements. 2024 was one for the ages, featuring numerous historic events, momentous accomplishments, and some…

U.S. — President Joe Biden proudly announced Friday that America's crippling national debt had officially been paid off in full by using the money found in Congressman Dan Crenshaw's swear jar."My thanks to that pirate fella in Congress,"…

TELLURIDE, CO — Local place of worship The Church of the Shepherd was accused of heresy of the highest order after its staff was caught handing out LED candles to sing "Silent Night" instead of real fire-burning candles as God…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk's involvement in this week's failure by Congress to pass a continuing resolution to fund the government ignited outraged speculation that he may be pulling the strings and controlling President-elect Donald…

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — A local man paused for a moment today to catch his own gaze in the mirror and reflect on what he had become after spending $2.58 on gems in a mobile app game."What have I become? Is this who I am now?" Tim Warner asked…

Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia’s Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking…

First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think?…

Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee’s background.…

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a…

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this. “Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick,…

MILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend’s name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given…

EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 2019 Ford Fiesta. “It amazes me that some people…

MINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse. “Nothing will stick—the…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump was still several weeks away from taking office, but the implementation of new policies by his Department of Government Efficiency had already begun, as "Elon on the Shelf" dolls were being…