SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

SPARKS, MD — The hotly anticipated next installment of the popular Civilization franchise, Sid Meier's Civilization VII, will reportedly expand its tech tree system with a new "Bidenomics" research upgrade where inflation ruins everything…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though Americans were up in arms when news broke that lawmakers were pushing to give themselves an increase in salary, members of Congress insisted that they needed the pay increase to keep up with the inflation they…

OTTAWA – Local man Matthew Kearns has admitted that, despite despising Trump and wanting Canada to remain independent, it would almost be worth becoming the 51st state just to watch American politicians and media try to wrap their heads…

Brought to you by: Priority GoldIs there any group of people that work harder than Congressmen? No. No there is not. And yet, these poor, industrious public servants often don't get raises, sometimes for years.Well, we're compassionate for…

Ho, Ho, Ho, I'm Regrowing My Foreskin! - The Onion [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKmayFkrJTQ?feature=oembed&w=500&h=281] Share Published:…

CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his…

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of…

CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into…

Ostensibly designed to merely keep the government open until March, suspicions arose that the new spending bill may have a few things added after it clocked in at 1,500 pages and $1.2 trillion. The Bee has reviewed the bill line by line,…

BOSTON—Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, local bald man Frank Richmond reportedly pressed his face to a window Wednesday as a thick-haired family inside…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With time running short, Congress has warned that failure to pass a massive spending bill could result in the U.S. surviving a bit longer.While millions of Americans including Elon Musk leveled heavy criticism at the…

KENNEWICK, WA- The situation at a local elementary school became dire as the Christmas performance entered its punishing tenth minute.The choral and instrumental performance lead several parents to consider drastic measures such as jumping…

Brought to you by: RevelationMediaIt's only a week until Christmas, which means two things — remembering the wonder of God sending Jesus into the world, and heatedly debating whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. What if the two are…

Mysterious drones have been hovering in the skies above New Jersey and other states in the Northeast for weeks, alarming residents and prompting lawmakers to demand answers. What do you think? “New Jersey has a sky?” Matt Grimm,…

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently…

OTTAWA – With Justin Trudeau facing perhaps his greatest political challenge, the ghost of his late father, former Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau, appeared before him to ask the pressing question of whether former girlfriend Kim…

y he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the…

TORONTO – The Hallmark Channel announced a new movie airing this month that has raised some eyebrows. As part of its holiday programming and in an effort to court more viewers, the Hallmark Channel will air “I Fucked My Christmas Tree”,…

JERUSALEM — A tale retold at Christmastime for thousands of years was shaken up this week, as a newly discovered scroll revealed a fourth wise man who brought baby Jesus the best gift of all: a priceless Lego Millennium Falcon.The discovery…

FLINT, MI — In a selfless and helpful act, local husband Peter Crampton pointed out all the historical inaccuracies in the episode of 'Downton Abbey' that his wife Ellenor was watching.According to sources, the couple had just started…

Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas - The Onion Now: Focus [youtube…

ABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump’s presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over anchor George Stephanopoulos’ inaccurate on-air assertion that the president-elect had been found civilly liable for raping…

With plenty of hard feelings still lingering after Trump's landslide election victory, more and more prominent Democrats have publicly declared they will not be attending his inauguration.The Babylon Bee has compiled the current list of…

U.S. — The United States Post Office issued a reminder Tuesday that this is the last day for packages to be delivered if you want them to arrive by Christmas 2037."The Christmas season is the busiest time of year for the USPS, and that's…

THE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. “Maybe if we turn…