SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off…

“As long as I don’t leave, you can’t kick me out. And fortunately I don’t have a job to go to anymore!” It’s our regularly scheduled election special. Brought to you by Henderson’s Trail Mix. Henderson’s Trail Mix: less candy, more trail!…

A team of scientists claims to have discovered a new color that humans cannot see without the help of technology, with researchers saying they were able to “experience” the color, which they named “olo”, by firing laser pulses into their…

HONOLULU—Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom’s caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Jeez Louise, looks like…

MONTGOMERY, AL—Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful display of solidarity with deported gang members, top Democrats had "MS-13" tattooed directly onto their foreheads.Several members of Congress, including Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer, traveled to…

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to help Americans get a better night’s rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God’s light before bed. “The Lord’s divine grace can put the body into a state of…

A blackout brought much of Spain and Portugal to a standstill, halting subway and railway trains, cutting phone service, and shutting down traffic lights and ATMs for millions of people across the Iberian Peninsula. What do you think?…

Speculation over who will be the next occupant of the Holy See has gone wild, with President Trump the latest to throw his name into the ring. Here are twelve changes Trump is promising to make if he is named the next Pope:Communion wine…

Anderson Cooper Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Look Even More Concerned - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 30, 2025 More News in Photos…

GLADEWATER — Local parents Carl and Patricia Nootsen are reportedly distraught after discovering a soccer ball under their son's bed."What does this mean?" Mr. Nootsen said, taking the contraband to his wife. "Our son isn't a, a....soccer…

HEAVEN — Sources close to the High Throne of Heaven confirmed that God does indeed hear all your prayers, but that doesn't mean that He'll give you Force powers, even if you ask really hard.The angel Uriel issued the clarification after…

CALGARY – In a truly unexpected turn of events, Alberta has stunned voters across Canada by voting exactly the same way they have voted in every federal election for seven consecutive decades. “I’m in total disbelief. I stayed up half the…

U.S. — An upcoming live-streamed speech by former Vice President Kamala Harris will reportedly charge viewers $25 to mute her.The speech, intended to be a scathing rebuke of President Trump, will cost $25 to watch, but will charge an…

by Auston Matthews Hockey fans are always picking on Toronto for blowing leads in the playoffs, like that time we lost to Boston back in 2013, 2018, 2019 or that time we lost to them again in 2024. But say what you will about us, at least…

EPHESUS — An ancient document discovered in the region of Ephesus may be a long-lost third letter to Timothy, where Paul warns the young preacher not to start a podcast, say researchers."This new letter sheds light on the prevalence of…

Rockies Pitcher Out With Altitude Sickness After Ascending Mound Too Quickly - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 29, 2025 More News in…

WASHINGTON—In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a…

CLEVELAND—Honoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. “Tonight, we’re proud to induct this wild-eyed guy…

The Trump administration is considering proposals that would help reverse the nation’s declining birth rate. Here are the White House’s ideas for encouraging women to have more babies. Monopoly game pieces on every container of Enfamil sold…

LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon.…

Misfortune Cookie - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: April 29, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 18 Read More…

STOCKTON, CA — According to sources, local wife Sue Page is beginning to suspect that her husband's thoughtful and relevant responses to her texts might be A.I. generated."I first became suspicious when I asked him what movie he wanted to…

OTTAWA — The status quo among America's red and blue states was shaken up last night, as with the election of Mark Carney, Canada officially surpassed California as the state with the most liberal governor.Carney reportedly received a…

CARLETON, ON – Despite losing his own riding by several thousand votes, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has vowed to stay on as party leader due to having absolutely no employment track record outside of politics. “To all our…