SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

U.S. — After surveying tens of thousands of men, researchers at the University of Boston have concluded that the deepest desire of every man is to have an enormous map with little soldiers and tanks on it that they can move around with…

LOS ANGELES, CA — As the world looked on in shock while multiple wildfires ravaged areas outside of Los Angeles, California Governor Gavin Newsom held a press conference to assure victims that he was diverting millions of dollars toward the…

NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. “To be completely honest, we mostly just…

DETROIT, MI — As part of a new campaign to make cars safer for women, General Motors unveiled an innovative new customization that replaces the old check engine light with Ryan Gosling's face so that women will pay attention to it."OMG,…

With less than two weeks remaining before his triumphant return to the Oval Office, Trump is already making big moves, including declaring that the Gulf of Mexico will be renamed the Gulf of America. What other new names does he have up his…

CHICAGO—Cocking her head in confusion as she sought to determine if what she was attempting to do was even possible, area woman Sandra Brackett reportedly struggled to put down her bags Wednesday while still holding onto her coffee like a…

Congestion pricing is now in effect in New York City after months of delays and legal challenges, with many curious how traffic will change throughout the day, if at all. What do you think? “I thought I was hit by fewer cars today!”…

Compared to similar high-income nations, Americans spend twice as much on healthcare, yet have lower life expectancies and higher infant mortality rates. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the U.S. healthcare system. …

DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. “I really want to be there…

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau resigned as polls indicated that his Liberal Party was set to be trounced by the opposition Conservative Party in the upcoming election. What do you think? “Good, he would never have beaten…

As though scales fell from Mark Zuckerberg's eyes, the tech magnate unveiled a set of changes that will be made to Facebook's content restriction policies in the coming weeks.The Babylon Bee obtained an advanced list of 10 of the…

VENTURA, CA — Local woman Sarah Carter, whose ancestors once raised 11 kids in a 2-bedroom house, recently told her friends she thought having kids these days was just too expensive."I mean, it's just way too expensive to raise a family in…

PALM BEACH, FL — It was a joyous day at Mar-a-Lago today, as the entire staff of the famed resort property exploded into celebration and party preparation when an overjoyed President-elect Donald Trump ran out to greet his prodigal son,…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare televised address from the Oval Office, President Biden warned the American public of an imminent terrorist threat as a result of his releasing eleven terrorists from prison."My fellow Americans, it is my duty…

TOKYO—Working for nearly eight hours to bring the record-setting catch aboard, a group of Japanese fishermen reportedly reeled in a 600-pound can of tuna Tuesday that was later auctioned off at a local fish market. “From the moment I felt…

KOHLER, WI—To address a situation the plumbing-fixture company described as embarrassing for everyone involved, Kohler issued a recall Tuesday of 30,000 bathtubs it had shipped with a nude man already inside. “Due to a mix-up at our…

The day is fast approaching when Joe Biden will depart from the White House. With only two short weeks remaining in his presidency, people may be wondering what he'll do with the time he has left.The Babylon Bee has obtained the following…

Listen up, Canadian patriots: the day you’ve been waiting for has finally come. That’s right, Justin Trudeau, the guy you’ve been threatening to fuck for the last several years like the common sense Canadians you are, has finally announced…

OTTAWA – Just hours after announcing he was stepping down as Liberal Party leader and prime minister, Justin Trudeau was begging for the job back after spending 10 minutes browsing the Ottawa housing market. “Wait, so the government doesn’t…

LOS ANGELES—Reminding his son that he won’t be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren before he’s too old to play with them in the NBA, sources confirmed Monday.…

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that Americans need to get their travel documents updated because the agency wasn’t messing around anymore, the TSA officials confirmed Monday that, no, really, they’re going to require Real ID this year. “As of May…

NASSAU, DE — After cuddling with her husband in front of a roaring fire and getting Christmas decorations put away over the weekend, local wife Jennifer Rushford realized she had nothing left to be stressed out about — and that stressed her…

CINCINNATI, OH — A pristine boxed set of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy looked on in horror recently as their owner, Ambrose Franklin, sat down to binge-watch the movies for the 25th time.The mint-condition set of books, which…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With only two weeks left before handing the reins of power over to the new administration, President Joe Biden's online store announced a special clearance sale that included Presidential Medals of Freedom for just…

A man is suing the California Lottery alleging that he has not received part of his winnings from a nearly $400 million Mega Millions jackpot after he located one of his winning tickets but not the other. What do you think? “I can…