SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

CIRITH UNGOL — The One Ring must be returned to its rightful owner, The Dark Lord Sauron, a Sauron-appointed judge ruled this week."The Ring was taken from Sauron by Isildur's hand, which makes it stolen property," Lord Elrond of Rivendell…

Long Time No Semen - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: February 11, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 7 Read More…

WASHINGTON—In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat…

CHICAGO—As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you recently saw get hit by a bus can’t stop thinking about you either. According to…

OTTAWA – Conservative insiders are growing concerned about Pierre Poilievre’s behaviour in recent days, as he is spending hours in his bedroom playing Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi while looking at photos of Trudeau. “Every time a new…

ST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. “In my…

PHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city’s hungover residents. “We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this…

U.S. — Amid ongoing controversy over the Department of Government Efficiency's investigations into numerous federal agencies to uncover fraud and waste, a new study found that people trying to stop financial audits usually have great…

PEARLY GATES — With eternity before him and the full understanding of the divine presence at hand, local soul William Bennett, expressed his excitement over finally being able to learn how much Mountain Dew Code Red he consumed in his…

Brought to you by: The Buffalo Wool Co.Is your woman cold? Though it may be difficult to tell one way or another, there are certain tell-tale signs. Knowing whether or not she is cold can be helpful in determining your next steps.The…

COLUMBUS, OH — A local couple was delighted to find that their house had nearly doubled in value after getting egged by a band of teenage hooligans last Saturday. According to Jenn and Jake Cooper, their $529,000, 2,700 square foot family…

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of…

Colombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is “not worse than whiskey” and that it’s only illegal because it comes from Latin America. What do you think? “Been telling my parole officer this for…

WASHINGTON D.C. – After an estimated 113 million Americans tuned in to watch Super Bowl LIX, the nation arose Monday morning to discover that Canadian forces had used the opportunity to once again burn down their White House. As nearly a…

ZANESVILLE, OH—Smugly muttering “watch and learn” as he opened his Chase app and pressed the “pay balance” button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card. …

Researchers in Australia said that they have for the first time successfully produced kangaroo embryos through in-vitro fertilization, a breakthrough that may help save endangered species from extinction. What do you think? “Who’s…

An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has…

Trump Asks Which One The Ball - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More…

Travis Kelce Plays Super Bowl In Gucci Bucket Helmet - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

NEW ORLEANS—Expressing awe as they watched the personal security superstars’ approach, Secret Service agent Neil DeLisle, 34, was reportedly starstruck at the Super Bowl on Sunday after he saw Taylor Swift’s bodyguards. “Holy cow—those guys…

Travis Kelce Caught Fingering Taylor Swift Under Super Bowl Bleachers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos…

Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called ‘Ham Plinkies’ - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos…

NEW ORLEANS—Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans Sunday, “I hate all of you, fuck you.” “It’s sad to think…

NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide “family-friendly entertainment” for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamar’s entire Super Bowl halftime show. “Our decision to mute all of Mr.…

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media influencer Jackson Mahomes with tales of his old groping days.…