SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

MOSCOW—Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Which one is better—one or two?” said the former…

Pompous Geese Fly In Cursive V Formation - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: December 10, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

OVERLAND PARK, KS — This holiday season promised to be more spectacular than any before it for one local megachurch congregation, as renowned action filmmaker Michael Bay was hired to direct this year's Christmas service.The leadership at…

As the calendar neared the start of 2025, several people around the world grew more excited about Netflix's upcoming reimagining of the world of C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia. What changes might writer-director Greta Gerwig bring to the…

SPRINGFIELD, MO — A local man faced a crisis of faith this week, as friends revealed he was struggling to understand how God could let good things happen to bad people like him.Kevin Lofton had just received news that he was being offered a…

Dollar General is testing same-day delivery to customers’ homes as the deep-discounter tries to fend off fiercer competition with Walmart. What do you think? “But Dollar General is where you go to be seen.” Theo Fulcher, Juice…

College Student Explains What It Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House - The Onion Now: Focus [youtube…

The Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after a stunning lightning-strike rout across the country. What do you think? “If he doesn’t learn to stand up for himself,…

EAGAN, MN — Admissions staff and teachers at St. Thérèse of Lisieux K-12 Parochial School were delighted to announce that the private Catholic school would now be offering families a significant discount on their 8th enrolled…

TORONTO – Reports from this morning rush hour suggest that people who drive everywhere continue to wonder why Toronto traffic is so bad. “I don’t understand it,” said Lloyd Travers. “Every day I drive from my home near Lawrence subway…

Daze Of Whine And Poses - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: December 10, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 50 Read More…

NEW YORK—Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly took time Monday to demonstrate to rookies how to properly break down…

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling it a “life-changing” opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. “Today,…

DAMASCUS—Stating that none of it would have been possible without the broken will of the nation’s people, ousted Syrian autocrat Bashar al-Assad left a note Sunday thanking locals for supporting his family-run dictatorship. “It’s been my…

U.S. — Researchers with the National Institute of Science are now positing the theoretical existence of a Hootie and the Blowfish fan, perhaps somewhere in the known universe. The claim was met with shock from the scientific community as…

NEW YORK, NY — The sweepstakes to land free agent Juan Soto came to a surprising end, as the star outfielder decided to retire from professional baseball and play for the New York Mets instead.Soto explained his decision to the press,…

AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in…

NEW YORK—In a stunning end to the 40-year-old media personality’s rise to fame, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Monday that Hilaria Baldwin had been deported to Spain. Baldwin, who is set to star in a new reality series…

PHILADELPHIA—Weighing in on the chaotic events unfolding in one of those Middle Eastern–looking countries, Americans reported feeling glad Monday that ISIS had finally been defeated or something to that effect. “It’s so awesome how those…

If you've ever lived in a capitalist country, you'll know exactly how difficult it can sometimes be to keep your nose above the poverty line.We at the Babylon Bee have conducted extensive research and discovered 17 red flags of poverty that…

U.S. — Millions of gamers are discovering a new life hack where you can avoid wokeness in video games simply by playing Ninja Golf for the Atari 7800 and nothing else.The innovative idea was first discovered by LonelyGuy69, a Twitch user…

GUELPH, ON – Upon reading headlines that Syria’s Bashar Al Assad regime has been deposed by rebel forces, local data specialist Michael Varley has responded conclusively that this is either very positive news or maybe really worrying news.…

CINCINNATI—Lamenting that none of the team’s starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that he wished the whole Bengals roster played with the intensity and passion of the…

Bitcoin topped $100,000 for the first time as a massive rally in the world’s most popular cryptocurrency, largely accelerated by the election of Donald Trump, rolls on. What do you think? “I don’t trust any currency I can’t bury in…

President Joe Biden issued a “full and unconditional” pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons. 1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty…