SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

HEAVEN — God confirmed this week that our heavenly bodies will look very similar to the aesthetic of animator Hayao Miyazaki, creator of Studio Ghibli."We are happy to confirm that the glorified bodies of the saints shall all be fashioned…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at…

WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my…

More than 41 million Americans receive monthly benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as food stamps. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding SNAP. MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won’t…

OTTAWA – With US President Trump ramping up his economic attacks on Canada and Europe, Prime Minister Mark Carney has enacted a top secret plan to mobilize Canada’s most highly-specialized fighting unit: celebrated indie-rock collective…

(Political) Scientists hate him for discovering a new way to be a Conservative PM in Canada! And he can show you how to do it too! It’s the second episode of the relaunched Beaverton Weekly Report. The writ has dropped, and it hit Pierre…

HAMILTON – RCMP officials have confirmed that the leader of Men Seeing Men (MSM), a growing men’s rights movement linked to online threats and violence across the country, is the Polka Dot Door’s Polkaroo, despite MSM assurances that there…

Brought to you by: FARROWAs the leader of the free world, President Donald J. Trump is a role model for all Americans. From his trademark hairstyle to his flawlessly orange complexion, everyone wants to look like him. But how can you do…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With lawmakers calling for Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to resign over leaked Yemen attack plans, Hegseth expressed deep regret for not instead getting soldiers killed in a chaotic withdrawal and handing $80 billion…

Alexa Beaten - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 26, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More The Onion

Teen Warned Not To Accept Group Chat Invites From National Security Advisors She Doesn’t Know - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 26, 2025…

Embattled genetic testing company 23andMe, once valued at $6 billion, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, the company having initially rocketed into the mainstream because of its at-home DNA testing kits that gave customers insight…

U.S. — State Farm has begun offering optional extra car insurance coverage for protection against customers' cars being torched by psychotic weirdos with purple hair.In addition to having the flexibility to add protection against hail,…

U.S. — A dorky journalist experienced the thrill of a lifetime this past week, having finally been included for the first time ever in a group text."So this is what having friends feels like," said Jeffrey Goldberg, journalist and noted…

SUNNYVALE, CA—Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of bodily fluids Wednesday morning and vacated her office. According to sources, the…

TULSA, OK—Expressing concern about the most appropriate way to laud the life of a departed parishioner at her funeral, local priest Father Thomas O’Mannon was reportedly unsure Wednesday how obliquely to speak about the woman’s fatal hot…

CHICAGO—Highlighting a rising distrust in evidence-based knowledge, a report published Wednesday in the American Journal Of Sociology found that anti-science attitudes were strongest amongst those who believe turtles have a little apartment…

PROVO, UT—In a crushing blow to the team’s hopes of winning the NCAA men’s tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. “Upon detecting the illicit…

HILLSDALE, NY—Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free…

OTTAWA – Amid revelations that India aided the leadership campaign of Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre, the opposition leader insists that having absolutely no idea about this will be great training for when he claims to have no idea…

JERUSALEM — Sources close to the Son of God report that Jesus Christ has just called upon his followers to eat Fillet-o-Fish sandwiches for 40 days in order to prepare for his crucifixion.According to Peter, who used to be a fisherman,…

MUSTAFAR — The Galactic Empire was forced into damage control mode this week after it was revealed that Darth Vader had realized that he had mistakenly added Rebel Alliance leader Admiral Ackbar to a holochat about planning the Alderaan…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Elon Musk was quick to apologize Monday for DOGE mistakenly laying off the one government employee whose job it was to prevent journalist Jeffrey Goldberg from being in war strategy group chats."Well, look, we move fast…

Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 25, 2025…

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 25,…