SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

OTTAWA — The status quo among America's red and blue states was shaken up last night, as with the election of Mark Carney, Canada officially surpassed California as the state with the most liberal governor.Carney reportedly received a…

CARLETON, ON – Despite losing his own riding by several thousand votes, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has vowed to stay on as party leader due to having absolutely no employment track record outside of politics. “To all our…

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13…

SEATTLE — Women across the country have been shocked to learn that mifepristone and misoprostol, pills designed to murder babies in the womb, might not be all that safe.Studies are now showing an alarming rate of debilitating and lethal…

WASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. “We’ve set…

VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubén Salazar Gómez confirmed Monday that he couldn’t wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. “I know this…

VATICAN CITY — With no pope to oversee them, the College of Cardinals has been staying up every night playing Goldeneye 007 and building pillow forts, according to Vatican insiders.The cardinals converged on the Vatican to mourn Pope…

U.S. — Members of the judiciary were revealed to be sporting a new look, as President Donald Trump issued new striped robes to be worn by federal judges.The President said the change from the traditional black judge's robes to black and…

SACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime…

OTTAWA – As the nation heads to the polls Gen Z and Millennial Canadians report having difficulty choosing between Mark Carney, who has promised to allow cost of living to continue to rise unchecked, and Pierre Poilievre, who has vowed to…

Steinbach, MB – After briefly perusing the menu at a local Italian restaurant, Irene Everett concluded her adult son would probably like the risotto best. “I know my mom means well, but I’m a grown man who can read a menu and decide I want…

REHOBOTH BEACH, DE — Former President Joe Biden was placed under arrest today for harboring just over eleven million illegal immigrants.Following the arrest of a judge in Wisconsin for attempting to help an illegal immigrant evade capture,…

VATICAN CITY — In a stirring tribute to Pope Francis, President Donald Trump took to the microphone during the pontiff's funeral services and stunned attendees by singing a gorgeous, captivating a capella rendition of "Ave Maria".Following…

The post Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione appeared first on The Onion. The Onion

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Earlier this week, U.S. President Donald Trump was unable to remember the explicit instructions he was given to stop talking about Canada in order to help the man he’s tapped to be the first governor of the 51st state win…

PETERBOROUGH – Present polls panicking Pierre Poilievre, proving poor political performance, privy pals pronounced. “Pah! Pesky plebs!” pouted Poilievre. “Perhaps people picture Pierre Poilievre pivoting past politics? Poilievre prefers…

GREEN BAY, WI — After free falling out of the first two rounds, Shedeur Sanders finally heard his name called as McDonald's drafted him in the third round as a fry cook.After two years playing quarterback at Colorado with father and NFL…

QUÉBEC CITY, QC – Authorities are devastated to report that Bonhomme Carnaval, beloved snowman and symbol of Québécois pride, was beheaded at a Liberal rally this week following an order from Mark Carney to keep our “elbows up”. “He was…

“I assume I’ll just show up and everything will unfold perfectly for me at all times right?” Guest host Ian MacIntyre and the Panel (Nile Seguin, Clare Blackwood and Diana McCallum) talk about the most Canadian reason to re-schedule a…

MILWAUKEE, WI — While being questioned by authorities following her arrest, FBI agents discovered 17 more illegal aliens hiding in the back of County Circuit Judge Hannah Dugan's robes."Oh, that's — that's weird," Agent Damon Chandler was…

MILLVILLE, NJ — According to sources, college dropout Jack Doulton saved hundreds of thousands of dollars on student loans by simply learning how to hate Jews online for free.The young man had previously had his sights set on earning a…

CAROL STREAM, IL — Long-running religious magazine and online publication Christianity Today announced on Friday that it had converted to Islam."After looking deep within ourselves, we decided that it was time for the magazine to convert…

WASHINGTON—Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes…

Federal Regulators Hold Celebratory Seatbelt-Cutting Ceremony - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 25, 2025 More News in Photos…

Beginning May 7, Americans will not be able to go through airport security or enter federal buildings without Real ID. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Real ID amid the looming deadline. Q: What am I required to do…