SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

STANFORD, CA—In response to seeing what the pollinators were capable of in the 1991 coming-of-age drama, ecologists at Stanford University issued a statement Monday calling for the extinction of bees after they watched My Girl. “Upon…

OTTAWA – With Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stepping down as Liberal leader, observers have noted that not running as planned in the upcoming election is technically the closest he has ever come to following through on his 2015 campaign…

OTTAWA – According to experts Justin Trudeau resigning is proof that just making political error after political error over the course of 9 years can topple even the most powerful politician. “Canadian voters have become far less forgiving…

NEW YORK—According to a report released Friday by experts who know all about what has been happening in your mind for the past few seconds, the terrible thing that just popped into your head would make your loved ones turn on you…

Time Warp - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: January 6, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 2 Read More The Onion…

With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight room floor. The Onion dispels the common myths many people have about strength training. MYTH:…

THE INTERNET – Just when you thought technology couldn’t get any awesomer, this latest generative video super computer can now make an entire video of a dog eating spaghetti in mere seconds, and all it takes is the same amount of power used…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a touching display today, President Biden awarded Vice President Kamala Harris the Presidential Medal of Participation.Despite Harris failing to achieve any measurable success at any task she was given, the award…

U.S. — Allstate CEO Thomas Wilson explained to viewers across the nation that if Americans would act nicer, Islamic terrorists wouldn't be forced to murder them.Wilson accosted Americans for being too negative and divided, leaving Islamists…

MUNCHKINLAND – Wonder no more, Wicked fans: Boq, the weirdest little guy at Dear Old Shiz University has released a statement detailing exactly how he likes to spit on that Ozian thang, and it is EXPLICIT! “First of all, if we’re going to…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise move, President Joe Biden awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Skeletor, longtime archnemesis of He-Man.Biden awarded Skeletor the medal for his outstanding efforts to conquer Eternia and become the…

GOTHAM CITY — Batman has officially traded in the Batmobile for a Tesla Cybertruck.After watching several videos displaying the Cybertruck's incredible power and unmatched durability, Batman decided it was time for an upgrade."Oh yeah, this…

U.S. — In an effort to address recent violence, the United States Army has decided to begin asking applicants if they plan to carry out a massive terrorist attack."We really need to start asking if they intend to convert to Islam and go on…

U.K. — England is safe once again after Metropolitan police caught and jailed a man who made memes that offended child rapists.The man, Edward Goulding, reportedly made several rapists feel bad about themselves with memes he shared on…

The National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which it classified the show’s contestants as employees, opening a case that could have ripple effects across the reality television…

Timothée Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film. The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you? Chalamet: I…

CHÂTEAU DE CHAMBORD—Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety,…

TUSTIN, CA — A previously lost episode of the beloved children's classic VeggieTales has surfaced that depicts a young Dave, portrayed by Junior Asparagus, chopping off 200 pickle tips and bringing them to King Saul as tribute.The lost…

FLINT, MI — Local man Keith Peters was sentenced today to six years in prison for failing to properly use a stud finder by first pointing it at himself and saying, "BEEEEEEEEP!"According to witnesses, Peters was just getting around to…

FAYETTEVILLE, NC — In a move intended to give the historic military base a moniker more in line with its recent contributions to the country, the Pentagon announced today that it would be renaming the former Fort Bragg as Fort Death to…

FORKSVILLE, PA — As part of a new hardline stance being taken to start the new year, a local Presbyterian church announced that starting this Sunday, tasers will be used against anyone who raises their hands during worship.The deacon board…

Have you ever been told about 2-factor authentication – that is, voluntarily providing 2 methods of identification when logging into an account, like a password and a text message code – and found yourself wondering “Lock tuah? Why should I…

A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help the heart, especially for women. What do you think? “I’m knitting as intensely as I…

The start of the new year is traditionally a time when people make their resolutions to better themselves. While many New Year's resolutions quickly fall by the wayside, there are some who reap the benefits of sticking with them. Bible…

REGINA – A local woman is celebrating tonight after finding her long lost work sock in the last place she looked – the lint trap of her dryer. “There’s really only a few places that missing socks can go when they disappear in the laundry,”…