SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

SAN BERNADINO, CA — Laying in a misshapen heap amidst a pile of decorative rocks, a local inflatable snowman began questioning why he even exists at all.Inflating and deflating each day in a cultural milieu of post-Christian relativism, the…

UNKNOWN LOCATION — The infamous hacker known as Morpheus reportedly encountered a desperate 40-year-old, where he offered the man the ultimate choice: a red pill of ibuprofen, or a pink pill of Pepto-Bismol.The 40-year-old man, named Jon…

U.S. — Concerns have arisen that the Hallmark Channel has finally exhausted its supply of movie plots after the network announced A Celestial Christmas, a Christmas love story set in outer space.The film will reportedly follow an astronaut…

NEW YORK CITY — Judge Maxwell Wiley has ordered the jury in Daniel Penny's trial to go back and keep on deliberating until they come back with a different verdict.After four days of deliberation, the jury announced that Penny could not be…

NORFOLK, VA — Local woman Julie Adamson jumped into the shower this morning for a brief shower clocking in at just 78 minutes.Adamson told her husband she needed to just do a quick rinse-off, if he wouldn't mind watching the kids while she…

Since marriage vows don't always accurately depict what happens in a marriage, they can set unrealistic expectations.To help, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following more modern — and more accurate — wedding vows for both brides and…

PARIS—After five years of painstaking reconstruction, the famed Notre-Dame cathedral reportedly reopened Friday to fire. “As a key symbol of fire identity, we are so thrilled to welcome flames into Notre-Dame once again,” said French…

South Korea’s President Yoon Suk Yeol faced parliamentary moves to impeach him after sending heavily armed forces into Seoul’s streets with his sudden declaration of martial law, harkening back to the country’s past dictatorships. What do…

Ryan Walters, Oklahoma’s superintendent of public instruction, has ordered schools to incorporate the Bible into lesson plans for students in grades five through 12, putting the separation of church and state to the test. The Onion shares…

President Joe Biden has been under fire this week for pardoning his son, Hunter, leaving political experts and the general public wondering what else he might have up his sleeve before leaving office next month.The Babylon Bee has come into…

EDEN — The local man who had been given dominion over the earth reportedly attempted to raise the temperature in the garden this week, as Adam cunningly yet casually suggested to his wife, Eve, that she try a shorter haircut.Adam made the…

LONDON — Authorities announced the arrest of a walking and talking bear with an affinity for marmalade who, they say, asked a Muslim immigrant to be more kind and polite."We are not going to tolerate that sort of hate speech and intolerance…

PALM BEACH, FL—Clearing their throats as the vice president-elect knocked on the door of the Mar-a-Lago conference room and poked his head inside, members of the presidential transition team reportedly rolled their eyes Friday and allowed…

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that enough was enough with the season of savings, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Friday that it was sick and tired of all the deals and bargains. “Just charge us full price, goddammit,” said Peter Nguyen, 43,…

LOS ANGELES—Drawing widespread condemnation from classics scholars around world, the new Odyssey adaptation The Return was criticized this week for dropping the original work’s group dance scene ending. “Homer’s decision to close his epic…

LOS ANGELES—Appearing stumped by the convicted murderers’ testimony, Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael Jesic reportedly delayed his decision Thursday in the resentencing of Lyle and Erik Menendez after learning that one brother…

Brian Thompson, the CEO of UnitedHealth’s insurance unit, was fatally shot outside a Midtown Manhattan hotel in what police described as a “brazen” targeted attack by a gunman lying in wait for him. What do you think? “Yet another…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The government's judicial branch continued to methodically work through remaining cases before the upcoming holiday break, with the United States Supreme Court ruling 8-1 in favor of taking turns bonking Justice Sonia…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden issued another controversial pardon for his son Hunter this week which exonerates him for "what he may or may not do tonight between 2:30 and 4:17 AM outside the Capitol Heights Applebee's.""I hereby…

CANADA — The celebrities who fled the U.S. in horror following Trump's presidential victory are finding themselves right back where they started: under the tyrannical iron fist of Trump's authoritarian will. Trump's surprise announcement to…

TORONTO – The latest diss track in the hip-hop industry’s highest profile feud features Drake’s mother, Sandi Graham, personally requesting that rap superstar Kendrick Lamar stop saying such hurtful things to her son. The new Drake single,…

U.S. — Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra announced in a press conference Thursday that, going forward, every single human behavior would now be classified as either Autism Spectrum Disorder or ADHD."You name it, you got…

SEATTLE—Saying the amenity was meant to ease any inconvenience caused by the disruption to his daily routine, Harborview Medical Center officials explained Thursday that they were sending area man Alex Leahy home with a loaner dad while his…

SAN JUAN, PR – In the wake of Donald Trump unveiling plans to make Canada the 51st U.S. state, Puerto Ricans who have been trying to attain proper electoral representation expressed their frustration with Canada jumping the line and…

NEW YORK CITY — Jury deliberations in the trial of Daniel Penny were delayed this afternoon after three of the nine jurors were severely beaten on the subway while trying to reach the courthouse.The beatings were filmed on cell phones by…