SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

REGINA – A local woman is celebrating tonight after finding her long lost work sock in the last place she looked – the lint trap of her dryer. “There’s really only a few places that missing socks can go when they disappear in the laundry,”…

A man has sustained serious injuries after rescuing his wife who was ambushed by a polar bear in an early morning attack, leaping on to the animal to prevent an attack after the woman slipped to the ground. What do you think? “Only…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a formal statement, the FBI has called on Internet sleuths, particularly X users, to please stop solving crimes before they have a chance to do so.The statement comes just hours after X users discovered all suspects…

FRANKLIN, TN — Only a few hours after dismissing his wife's favorite show as "dumb," local man Paul Stanton found himself on the couch, watching the show, and enraged by Rory Gilmore's tolerance of unsuitable romantic interests.Paul…

RED BLUFF, CA — As people ring in the new year by taking on resolutions meant to improve their lives, local wife and mother Karen Moore took it upon herself to graciously announce a number of resolutions for her husband so he wouldn't have…

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the…

CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. “In terms of practicing mindfulness,…

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes. Decide the level of cushioning based on if you’re a…

NEW ORLEANS, LA — The FBI announced today that the horrific scene in New Orleans was not a terrorist attack, thereby confirming to the nation that it was, in fact, a terrorist attack.The Bureau further stated that the perpetrator had no…

WASHINGTON—At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation’s turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday.…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite swirling rumors that his demise has negatively affected his cognitive abilities, White House officials insisted today that former President Jimmy Carter is still sharp and focused behind closed doors.The…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson has announced her intention for 2025 to finally read the United States Constitution using a "Read The Constitution In A Year" plan.The plan will require Justice Jackson to read…

PORTLAND, OR — NBA fans watched in awe last night as the Lakers and Trailblazers made history by playing an entire game without dribbling the ball a single time.Players euro-stepped, yugo-stepped, and just lazily walked around cradling the…

Coffee beans are hitting record-high prices not seen in nearly 50 years after difficult growing seasons among some of the world’s top-producing regions. What do you think? “I knew one day we’d regret dumping all that tea into Boston…

SALT LAKE CITY – North America’s biggest Christian rock music festival, Churchapalooza, is excited to announce their newest headliner and this year’s most talked about group – the AC/DC cover band, AD/BC. AD/BC – which true fans…

Brought to you by:A new year is upon us, with the sun setting on the darkness and despair that once was and hope rising again like the morning sun. Or something like that. What is in store for the world in 2025?We at The Babylon Bee know…

WINNIPEG – Local woman Renee Schloss is garnering major attention for her unique affectation – wearing two functioning wristwatches at once. “I wear one on the left, and one on the right,” Renee explained, flashing both watches with a grin.…

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Disney executives shocked the entertainment world earlier today when they announced a new film titled "Jumpy The Homo-Punching Kangaroo," an apparent attempt to win back conservative viewers they've lost over the past few…

SUN VALLEY, CA — Sources close to Hodgson Lloyd-Jones Johnson confirmed earlier this week that the Reformed 32-year-old spent the Lord's Day resting by blasting people in theological arguments online.According to both of Johnson's friends,…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President-elect Donald Trump has just named Buc-ee the Beaver as his Secretary of Transportation in a move bringing joy to millions of drivers across the country.According to Trump, Buc-ee has an excellent track record of…

A new Pew Research poll found that 57% of adults said they would prefer to live in a community with larger houses, even if schools, stores and restaurants are several miles away. What do you think? “And I better not see a bike lane…

NORFOLK, VA—In what is being hailed as a huge milestone in the development of the man’s verbal skills, sources confirmed Tuesday that Mark Peterbaum, the husband of a local woman’s cousin, said his first word during a visit with extended…

NANAIMO, BC — Local Gen X-er Jerry Greene flailed like an inflatable car dealership mascot today as he attempted to untangle and insert his AirPods before answering his ringing iPhone. “‘Call missed.’ Dammit, this happens every time,”…

VICTORIA, BC – A local woman experienced a decorative emergency this week when her collection of coffee table books exceeded her number of coffee tables. Wendy Miller, 39, realized the emergency when she returned home from her family…

CALGARY – Reports from the Calloway household indicate that a local ant is taking a pointlessly circuitous route to a tasty chocolate chip cookie crumb. “He rounded the knife block twice, and then he went down to the floor for a while…