SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

NEW YORK CITY — Jury deliberations in the trial of Daniel Penny were delayed this afternoon after three of the nine jurors were severely beaten on the subway while trying to reach the courthouse.The beatings were filmed on cell phones by…

Brought to you by: Mayflower CigarsWomen are mercurial, and every husband knows how challenging it can be to remain the object of a wife's attention and adoration. Fortunately, The Babylon Bee has solved this universal riddle and put…

MONTROSE, OH — Despite her passing, local family pet "Miss Dixie" continues to live on as the WiFi password for the household.Though saddened to depart this world, sources say the dog was comforted by the knowledge that her name would live…

NEW YORK, NY — In addition to exploring the use of a "golden at-bat" in which teams could send their best hitter to the plate regardless of who was due up in the lineup, Major League Baseball is considering other ways to increase excitement…

Elton John, singer famed for “Tiny Dancer” and “Rocket Man,” announced to a theater audience that he had lost his sight, risking his ability to record new music. What do you think? “It’s a good thing music is sounds.” Moe Birk,…

Take The Cannoli - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: December 4, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 49 Read More…

President-elect Donald Trump pledged to fulfill his campaign promise of removing millions of undocumented immigrants in a “record-setting deportation operation.” Here is the incoming administration’s plan for carrying out mass deportation.…

LOS ANGELES—Making his case that the story of Elphaba and Glinda was too big for one picture, director Jon M. Chu defended on Wednesday his decision to split his new film Wicked into 230,400 successive images. “Narratively speaking, it just…

WASHINGTON—With a half-whispered murmur of “Hey, hey, ho, ho, has got to ,” thousands of the nation’s mumblers marched on Washington Wednesday demanding something or other. “Obviously these people care enough to take to the streets in…

President Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, sparing him a possible prison sentence for federal felony gun and tax convictions and reversing his past promises not to use the powers of the presidency for the benefit of his family. What do…

Any married woman can tell you how hard it can sometimes be to find the perfect Christmas present for their husband. Men can often be stoic, inscrutable, unreadable — how is a wife supposed to find out just what he wants?Through extensive…

HEAVEN — A popular question was finally answered today, as a messenger from heaven revealed that God does believe in Jordan Peterson, but only as a metaphorical idea and not as a concrete fact.Though Christians and intellectuals alike had…

THE EAST — According to sources, the wives of the Three Wise Men questioned their husbands over their self-proclaimed title, "The Three Wise Men.""I dunno, that's what all the people at the Nativity were calling us," said Balthazar shortly…

PICKERING, ON ― A scathing new report released today has found that local 52-year-old Linda Pike’s mid-life crisis is every university student’s dream problem, and that they probably won’t notice when they reach theirs because it will be…

Though science has unequivocally shown that life is far more difficult for men than it is for women, many ignorant people still argue the opposite. That's why we've consulted with top man experts to prove to you how much more difficult life…

TORONTO – As rumours and speculation fly around whether or not the Blue Jays will acquire free agent and four-time All-Star Juan Soto, Soto was recently spotted talking to Shohei Ohtani about the most effective ways to get Canadians’ hopes…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL – U.S. President-Elect Donald Trump has unveiled a key component of his plan to make other member nations of NATO invest more in defense; turning America into a viable international target so they have no choice but to come…

NEW YORK—Watching in stunned silence as the almost 90-year-old Academy Award–winning actress aggressively pushed him to drop the price, local man Aaron Singerman confirmed Tuesday that he wasn’t expecting Dame Judi Dench to respond to his…

NEW YORK—Admitting they felt a reasonable level of certainty about the unfamiliar phrase after stumbling upon it on ESPN.com, the authors of a new report published Monday confirmed that “La Liga” probably means “The League.” “Huh, I’m not…

President-elect Donald Trump promised to abolish the U.S. Department of Education. The Onion examines the pros and cons of eliminating the federal agency. PRO: Paves way for bold new predatory loans CON: Without standardized testing,…

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Apologizing to fans and pledging to do better in the future, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers demonstrated impressive character this week by taking the blame for the parts of the game where the Jets were winning.…

U.S. — After the grotesque pink design of the new Jaguar was leaked to the public, the nation's gays have confirmed they are not really interested in the new car and will just stick with their very gay Mustang convertibles. "We appreciate…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After news broke that he had received a full presidential pardon from his father for any crimes committed in the last decade, Hunter Biden immediately asked officials from the U.S. Secret Service if he could get his…

CORINTH — Paul, called by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus, reportedly left an Elf on the Shelf at the struggling church in Corinth where it can safely monitor everyone's sins.Church membership first became aware of the elf…

Kash Patel is now the presumptive head of the FBI and he's planning on some big changes. Here are just a few of the most incredible.Here are 10 drastic changes coming to the bureau:All FBI agents must go back to wearing trenchcoats,…