SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

VATICAN CITY — CNN journalists on the ground at the Vatican are reporting that behind closed doors, Pope Francis remains focused, sharp, and brimming with energy.Though videos circulating online have purportedly showed Pope Francis to be…

Trump Pardons Kid Rock For Whatever Inspired Statutory Rape Lyric In ‘Cool, Daddy Cool’ - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 22, 2025 More…

U.S. — Following news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had officially banned artificial food dyes, Post Consumer Brands announced that it would be changing its "Fruity Pebbles" cereal to the more compliant "Whitey Pebbles."The food…

U.S. — On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.The civil…

VATICAN CITY—Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis’ children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father’s death. “While we are sincerely touched…

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to…

Pope Francis, the Catholic Church’s first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor, has died at the age of 88. What do you think? “Presbyterians, now’s our chance to…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A special ceremony was scheduled to be held today to mark the historic occasion, as for the first time in history, the United States Supreme Court has five female justices.The five female justices — Elena Kagan, Sonia…

U.S. — In yet another step toward the advancement of protections for all people groups, activists announced today that MS-13 had officially been added to the LGBTQ+ acronym to ensure that the rights of violent foreign gang members were…

CHICAGO—Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that “grief is the price we pay for love” as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. “Opening yourself up to true…

WORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. “Is my memory…

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old…

Misinformation and misleading content on Facebook and Instagram from conservative advertising group Canada Proud have skyrocketed in the wake of Meta banning Canadian news from its platforms. Lucky for us at The Beaverton, however, that…

FORREST CITY, AR — According to sources, the trumpet call announcing the glorious return of Christ has sounded throughout the earth, leading local woman Amber Clark to begin frantically cleaning her home."Oh, dear! Company!" she said as…

VATICAN CITY—Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter’s Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a…

Experts recommend that every family keep a “go bag,” a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own. A multitool, such as a Swiss…

President Trump’s trade war has inspired a new TikTok trend of Chinese manufacturers encouraging shoppers to buy direct and pay less, highlighting American consumers’ desperation to avoid massive tariff-induced price increases while being…

CAROL STREAM, IL — An article published by Christianity Today calls into question the existence of Jesus, argues that the Bible is a lie, and says God is dead.The article was written by guest columnist Garth Strudelfudd, an avowed atheist,…

VATICAN CITY — Following the death of Pope Francis, cardinals within the Roman Catholic Church have expressed interest in electing a pope who's actually Catholic this time."Call me crazy, but I think the leader of the Catholic Church…

WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in…

VATICAN CITY—Saying he couldn’t help but think “I told you so” in the wake of the bishop of Rome’s death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner…

The colossal squid, the heaviest invertebrate in the world, was captured on video swimming in the deep sea for the first time since it was identified a century ago. What do you think? “I’ve always dreamed of what it’d look like if a…

WASHINGTON—Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White House on Sunday that she had hidden many Easter eggs behind the curtain of…

Solitary Consignment - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: April 21, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 17 Read More…

LOS ANGELES—Saying the new format would help him present the series as he had always intended, Severance creator Dan Erickson announced Monday that the TV show’s next season would be released solely as episode recaps on Vulture.com. “After…