SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

SPARTA, OH—Noting that her desires were becoming increasingly less subtle, local man Tommy Hull confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Bess Glickstein, kept dropping hints about wanting a 17-hectare mausoleum complex. “We’ll be out to dinner…

By Cash Ritchie, Senior VP, Finance, at WoodHolly Studios The Wicked movie has already proven a resounding success not only for Universal, but for show business at large. As the industry continues to bounce back from the pandemic and also…

NEW YORK—In an effort to support factories that exploit cheap labor but employ 50 or fewer people, American Express announced this week that Dec. 4 would mark its first-ever Small Sweatshop Saturday. “Small sweat shops—which keep their…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials within the FBI have warned that naming Kash Patel director of the Bureau could seriously undermine the agency's work on not releasing the Epstein client list.For years, the FBI has poured massive amounts of…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a surprise move, President-elect Donald Trump has already moved re-establish relations with the notorious Castro regime. Photographs from a dinner at Trump's home showed the incoming President smiling and chatting with a…

DAYTON, OH — A grown, adult male generally regarded as mentally sound pinned his entire emotional well-being for the next three days on a teenager who lives a thousand miles away kicking an oblong ball between sticks."So, it comes down to…

NORFOLK, VA — Local man Jason Thompson pondered heavily this morning whether to burn his eyeballs with an old car cigarette lighter or to watch Love, Actually."It's a tough call," said Thompson, staring at the glowing red coils. "I could…

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Revealing that split ends have grown 50% stronger in just the past decade, a new study published Friday by researchers at the L’Oréal Academy warned that overuse of hair detangler was giving rise to new product-resistant…

Parents Completely Jacked 3 Months Into Retirement - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 30, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

CHICAGO, IL — Consumers across America were shocked and elated to land huge deals after finding out Dyson vacuums would be briefly on sale for the low, low price of just $7000 this Black Friday.According to several surprised early Christmas…

LOS ANGELES, CA — It's official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen.In order to create buzz and draw in more potential customers, Congress…

OTTAWA, ON ― A new survey of political scientists found broad consensus that financial giveaways are a both arrogant and very successful strategy to curry the favour of voters too shortsighted to put on winter tires, let alone make national…

Alcoholism is a dangerous condition affecting millions across the United States each and every year, from the poorest among us to even very powerful government officials. It's important to know when you have a problem so you can seek the…

GREEN VALLEY LAKE, CA — Local man Landon Collings, 45, heroically volunteered to do the most important part of Thanksgiving meal preparations this year: staying out of the kitchen so his wife, Carla, could actually get things done.Collings…

LONDON, ON – A local woman has shocked friends and family by revealing that her favourite comfort show contains neither fantastical creatures, nor grisly true crime homicides. Vanessa Parker, 34, revealed the disquieting news in a shared…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Children sitting at the kids' table during Kamala Harris's family Thankgiving dinner were confused and "a little frightened" as she gave a speech urging them not to "let anyone steal your power," sources confirmed…

Americans all across the nation are gathering today to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for? “That Moldova doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.” Bruce Sipiora, Ceramic Patcher “I’m…

OXFORD, MS — The Thanksgiving week turned ugly for one local family, as a southern wife was arrested and booked on charges of failing to serve drinks in Mason jars to people visiting her home.The unthinkable act allegedly occurred this…

It's the fourth week of November, which means it's time for us all to do a little introspection and consider what we are thankful for. The Babylon Bee made full use of its vast political and entertainment connections to ask a dozen…

BEIRUT — After announcing that an agreement had been reached for a pause in military operations, Israel asked Hezbollah to please wait by their pagers for a message to confirm what time the ceasefire would begin.After over a year of open…

HOLLYWOOD, CA — While Peter Jackson's stirring movies have become one of the most popular film adaptations of any book series in history, film critics and fans alike are raving about an even better adaptation of the Lord of the Rings which…

TOLEDO, OH — Local man Jacob Nicholson repeatedly declared his love for pumpkin pie today while covering a 12-inch pie with an entire gallon of Reddi-Whip.According to friends and family of the 66-year-old pumpkin pie connoisseur, Jacob has…

WASHINGTON—Revealing that retirees have a lot to look forward to after exiting the workforce, the Federal Reserve Survey of Consumer Finances, published Wednesday, found that the majority of Americans had enough saved for an absolutely…

Manifest Dunce-ity - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: November 27, 2024 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 60: Issue 48 Read More…