SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

HAYDEN, ID — With the Left accusing more people of being Nazis than ever before, local Nazi Chuck Pohlhaus is struggling to stand out."You'd think I'd be happy with all Nazi symbolism everywhere, but I'm not," said Polhaus. "I used to be…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brave move hailed by political analysts as an inspiring display of courage, New Jersey Senator Cory Booker embarked on a straddling anti-drug crusade by hosting a 24-hour live public service announcement on the…

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put…

LANSING, MI—Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle’s funeral reception said “Party Size!” on it. “We’re going to need…

Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 1, 2025 More News in Photos…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Administration staffers were caught off guard by a painfully awkward situation today as former Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg returned to the White House from his maternity leave.Buttigieg had gone on an…

LONDON — Authorities reported the successful arrest of a 38-year-old man who was caught silently praying for the well-being of the person who was stabbing him. He is currently being held awaiting trial.William Henry Brown was reportedly on…

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. “Sir, I’m going to need you to…

MANCHESTER, NH—Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue…

ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there…

The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by Jim Henson, who graduated from UMD in 1960. What do you think? “I hope he…

As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of…

TORONTO – According to sources embedded in your fantasy hockey pool, the player who goes by a crude double entendre is on the verge of issuing you such a humiliating defeat that you’ll lose all interest in ever playing again. “I watch two…

Democracy is dead because Trump killed it by being elected to a second presidential term. But could he kill it even more by serving a third term as president?It's possible. Here are 11 feasible ways that Trump could serve a third term.…

U.S. — An exciting new documentary has just been released, which presents a total of 15 minutes of interesting information over the course of 10 hour-long episodes."We had to slog through 10 grueling hour-long episodes, but that total of…

U.S. — It's a welcome act of God's gracious providence: all the indications show that they're finally playing a good old classic hymn in your church.Sources say that you had just finished wrangling your 4-year-old into the family pew when…

PORTLAND, OR — Even people with the most secure jobs in booming industries reported feeling the widespread financial squeeze, with one local Tesla bomber forced to take a second job as a Bernie Sanders rally attendee.Devin Hansbrough, a…

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. “We must cut through…

Dietary Restrict-Funs - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: March 31, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 14 Read More…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of comments the comedian made that reportedly angered the Trump administration, the White House Correspondents’ Association confirmed Monday that it had scrapped Amber Ruffin as the host of its annual dinner in favor…

Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 31, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More…

ARLINGTON, VA—Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. “We’re committed to…

NEW YORK—Saying he found the activity enriched his life and provided him with a real sense of purpose, local man Martin Berens, 43, spent his afternoon volunteering opinions about the homeless, sources confirmed Monday. “Nothing makes me…

In the wake of ongoing tariffs imposed by the Trump Administration, Canadians are looking for local alternatives to American products. For folks hoping to purchase the favour of a government official, we’ve assembled a list of some of the…

ATHENS, GREECE ― Following Trump’s inauguration and the steep decline in American character it represents, Greece is looking on with a mixture of horror and guilty relief, new polling suggests. “For years, we have felt the quietly…