SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

VICTORIA, BC – A local woman experienced a decorative emergency this week when her collection of coffee table books exceeded her number of coffee tables. Wendy Miller, 39, realized the emergency when she returned home from her family…

CALGARY – Reports from the Calloway household indicate that a local ant is taking a pointlessly circuitous route to a tasty chocolate chip cookie crumb. “He rounded the knife block twice, and then he went down to the floor for a while…

The holiday season is here, meaning millions are celebrating by indulging in festive beverages and big meals. The Onion shares tips for avoiding gaining weight over the holidays. Incorporate physical activity into family gatherings by…

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out…

Brought to you by: TUVU<mediatag id="1128991>Everyone knows how wonderful and soul-nourishing it can be to peruse social media platforms. But are there places you can go that might be even better for your psyche and…

CHARLOTTETOWN — While many Prince Edward Islanders mark the arrival of Fall by noticing the changing colours of the leaves, Daryl McClintock listens for the soothing sonic effects of temperature fluctuations on his house constructed solely…

LITTLE ROCK, AR — While taking time to look back on his life after another year passed, a local man fondly recalled Christian music being cool during the three days after DC Talk's Jesus Freak came out."Those were the days. And I literally…

Despite a federal program designed to clear backlogs of DNA evidence from rape cases, state and local officials around the country chose not to test about 20% of kits and secured few convictions from those that were analyzed. What do you…

CHICAGO—Insisting that he thought what he had seen was great despite his complete lack of experience with the visual art form, local man Nick Tyler reportedly lied Monday about having seen any movies at all in order to impress his friends.…

Three years after it first premiered, Squid Game is returning to Netflix. Here is what you need to know about the second season of the hit dystopian drama. Q: When is it coming out? A: At the exact moment when you get kicked off your ex’s…

SAINT CROIX — What had already been a relaxing family vacation to usher in the coming new year became the site of an even greater celebration, as news of the death of former President Jimmy Carter made it official that Joe Biden had finally…

ST. JOHN’S, NL – The Canadian housing crisis reached new heights this week with a renowned fiddler unable to afford a roof. Viola Green, 35, a prolific fiddle player who has toured with major Canadian acts such as Great Big Ocean, Red…

Wisdom, a Laysan albatross and the world’s oldest known wild bird, laid an egg at the approximate age of 74, a feat given that members of the species usually only live for 12-40 years. What do you think? “Does the world really need…

U.S. — In yet another blow to President-elect Trump, aides have announced that former President Jimmy Carter will also be skipping Trump's inauguration.Carter joins the growing list of several prominent Democrats who will not be attending…

SAN JUAN, PR – The World Boxing Organization (WBO) and the International Fisting Association (IFA) have agreed to an exchange of names for their respective activities as of Jan 1, 2025. Starting at midnight in the new year, Boxing will be…

Bird owners, beware! Ornithologists have identified 5 new bones that, if found in a bird of prey’s regurgitated pellets, could call for an urgent trip to the Bird E.R. Watch out for your bird chokin’ on these 5 thangs: 1. HUMAN SKULL Eating…

The American conservative movement, usually known for being well-organized and having zero infighting, has somehow descended into civil war over something called H-1B visas. Here is what you need to know about the controversy ripping…

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TORONTO – Local jeweler Jason Jackson has eaten a bad Pizza Pizza pizza, according to cub cuisine columnist Ms. Chris Swiss. “I work all the time, and then I had to work overtime, so I just wanted to unwind with the pizza I designed,”…

OTTAWA – Officials from the Federal Body Inspection agency have announced that Special Agent Bradley Carmichael has been stripped of his rank and discharged after being enmeshed in a corruption scandal. “Mr. Carmichael is a disgrace to the…

MONCTON – New Brunswick finally has a resident who has mastered the art of counting to two – presumably without using their wings. When Sam, a two-year-old peregrine falcon, was rescued from the smoldering remains of a presumably-arson’d…

BRAMALEA, ON — Local trendster Emily Ling established herself as the GOAT when she pushed the envelope by pouring awesome sauce onto cool beans, resulting in an amazeballs explosion of cray cray proportions. “OMG!” said Ling. “I know I’m…

U.S. — In a blow to America's favorite pastime, Vivek Ramaswamy has officially announced that the Department Of Government Efficiency will be replacing baseball with cricket.All baseball bats in America will be confiscated and replaced with…

TEMPE, AZ — Local white liberal Jennifer Armstrong is holding out hope that a black person will actually show up to her Kwanzaa party this year."I've been so good all year," said Armstrong. "All I want for Kwanzaa is a black to show up.…

The United Kingdom indefinitely banned new prescriptions of puberty blockers to treat minors for gender dysphoria, with the announcement coming soon after the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments in a case involving similar state bans on…