SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

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Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching…

Scientists recently had the opportunity to taste a batch of “space miso” fermented for 30 days aboard the International Space Station, noting it had a nuttier and more roasted quality than typical soybean paste made on Earth. What do you…

The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets - The Onion Entertainment [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQpgI5tAjLE?feature=oembed&w=500&h=281] Share…

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U.S. — It was revealed Friday that the popular video game Minecraft is an elaborate PSYOP orchestrated by the CIA to prepare kids for the return of American coal mining.Minecraft, an open-world sandbox survival game where players mine and…

Get a load of this idiot white-knight SIMP trying to save a princess from a dragon. What a beta male!This guy just showed up in a suit of armor and started hacking away at a dragon, risking his life and limb to protect a princess who…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was…

The Trump administration has raised taxes on Chinese imports to 125% as the trade war continues to heat up. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the president’s tariffs. $3.2 billion: Market gains for bug-out bags 29:…

CHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that caused a hush to fall over the crowd at the United Center. “Oh Jesus,…

According to the CDC, more than one quarter of U.S. adults suffer from seasonal allergies. The Onion shares tips for managing allergic rhinitis symptoms. Try a nasal-removal spray. Politely ask the flowers in your neighborhood to stop…

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Confirming that the group’s long ordeal was finally over, NASA announced Thursday that it had successfully rescued three children stranded for more than nine months at Space Camp. “At 12:07 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time today,…

Katy Perry Unaware She Already Chosen To Be Jettisoned If There Emergency In Space - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 10, 2025 More…

WASHINGTON—Bragging that he had forced the world leader into “total submission,” President Donald Trump boasted to reporters Thursday that he had strong-armed President Donald Trump into pausing his latest round of tariffs. “I said to him,…

SARASOTA, FL—As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault…

The U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country’s decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited archipelago populated only by penguins and seals. What do you think? “There go our closest allies.” Nora…

TUSTIN, CA — Louis Silverton, a longtime supporter of President Trump, says he can't wait for America to finally be great again so he can stop wearing this itchy trucker hat."I hate trucker hats, and it itches like crazy," Silverton said.…

U.S. — According to sources, leftist protesters around the nation remain totally unaffected by President Donald Trump's deregulation of shower heads. While Trump announced the reversal of a Biden administration rule limiting the flow of…

SAMARIA — According to insiders, King Ahab of Israel lamented a recent meeting he had with the prophet Elijah, admitting that just once he would like the prophets to say God is pleased and that everything is fine and dandy.Prophets are…

LEAWOOD, KS — The warmer spring temperatures sweeping across the nation were met with excitement, as a local man told everyone he saw that he couldn't wait to get out there and suck at golf again.Following a long winter break, Brent Porter…

Pebble Rattling Around In Shoe Turns Out To Be Loose Toe - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 10, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

EL RENO, OK—Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid’s Diner that he only wanted one patty—not two—dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday. “Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried…

WASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children. “People of the…

KITCHENER, ON – Sources report that Brody Richards, 33, desires to bring small humans into the world while apparently unaware that he will also be required to parent them. “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to have kids,” says Richards. “Tossing a ball…

“Anyone who doesn’t talk about how big the crowds are in an erotic way goes in the Iron Maiden!” The Beaverton Weekly Report is back to cover all the top stories, from the tariffs to the election, with a lot of talk about The Fast &…