SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

WORLD — The results of a shocking study released by Consumer Reports found that every single toy gifted on Christmas is now broken.According to the report, gifts such as digital movies or video games were, in some cases, broken from the…

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OTTAWA – The Canadian Society of Sluggish Scientists (not to be confused with the Canadian Society of Slug Scientists) has announced via press release that they’re pretty sure there are many kinds of squirrels out there, but that they’re…

An unidentified disease with flu-like symptoms has killed dozens of people in the Democratic Republic of Congo, with unknown illness having led to the death of at least 79 people and sickened 376. What do you think? “Big deal, I’ve…

VATICAN CITY—Speaking to reporters in front of Saint Peter’s Holy Vape House in the heart of downtown, Pope Francis spoke out this week against the legal head shops he decried are overrunning Vatican City. “You can’t walk the colonnade…

MILWAUKEE, WI — Local dad Greg Evans took a trip down memory lane earlier this morning when he had to tell his kids about the good old days when you didn't have to download firmware updates for toy trains.Evans' reminiscences were initially…

PALM BEACH, FL — President-Elect Donald Trump took time out of his Christmas holiday to announce that, once he takes office, anyone American caught drinking tea instead of coffee would immediately be detained for questioning under the…

JUDAEA — Archeologists from Sapienza University of Rome have recently uncovered evidence suggesting that Yeshua Ben Yusuf, popularly known as “Jesus,” had a thriving career installing jacuzzis. “The Christ’s system employed a variety of…

CONNECTICUT – A devastating explosion at Frito-Lays’ Cheetos factory last Thursday – which has left 82 wounded and 27 still missing – was insensitively categorized as a level “dangerously cheesy” incident, according to the International…

U.S. — Horrified kids across the United States were reportedly left severely disappointed yesterday, as they discovered that Santa Claus had updated his longtime policy and, in lieu of coal, had given naughty children tickets to Chicago…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts said was perhaps the final and most disturbing development in the long list of announcements made by the outgoing administration, President Joe Biden issued a full pardon to Blippi.The shocking…

SACRAMENTO, CA — In an effort to crack down on the invasive influence of American culture, the state of California announced that come January, it will commence mass deportation of U.S. citizens.Governor Gavin Newsom issued an order today…

A man was shot and killed by police after allegedly threatening residents and staff of a suburban assisted living facility with a chainsaw, with officers attempting to tase the man before eventually firing after he continued trying to…

WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday in which he clarified that people were supposed to be able to…

SAINT-LOUIS-DU-HA!-HA!, QC – Taylor Swift fans – or colloquially known as “swifties” – are reportedly not as fast as their name suggests. “9 mins a kilometer” states anthropologist, Dr. Deidra McCallaghan, “that’s the average walking speed…

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven…

Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech billionaire helped torpedo a bipartisan agreement on a short-term spending bill, a move made possible by the fact that the Constitution does…

LEAWOOD, KS—Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excited Travis Kelce reportedly surprised girlfriend Taylor Swift Wednesday by handing a wrapped, football-shaped gift to the…

CHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his…

BETHLEHEM — With a long but eventful evening near its end, witnesses said the young Jewish girl Mary bit her tongue, smiled politely, and sighed patiently as the three visiting wise men from the East finished their presentation for the…

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves. Have…

VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hannukah. “It’s a magical time of year. We dust…

BETHLEHEM — Residents of Bethlehem in Judea reported that it was anything but a silent night this evening, as they were treated to two different concerts by two young musicians. Eyewitnesses said that shortly after the little drummer boy…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The traditional unwrapping of presents at the White House took an awkward turn this morning when Jill Biden started snickering uncontrollably after Kamala Harris opened up a gift containing a brand new MAGA hat.According…

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. “By signing this document, you…