SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

SEATTLE—Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos–Lauren Sánchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. “Oh, shit, it’s…

Better Copulate Than Never - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: January 21, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 4 Read More…

Pope Francis has published his memoir, Hope, making him the first pope to publish an autobiography. Here are the biggest revelations from the new release: Became interested in Catholicism after getting possessed by the devil as a…

The EPA warned that forever chemicals found in sewage sludge that some farmers use to fertilize fields and pastures can pose a threat to human and animal health. What do you think? “That’s why it’s important to only consume…

Inauguration Begins With Moment Of Silent Gloating - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 20, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Trump Rolls Onto Capitol Steps In Bulletproof Sphere - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 20, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

RFK Jr. Attends Inauguration Shirtless - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 20, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read…

Brought to you by: UnboundDonald Trump is back in the White House, and he's bringing sweeping changes to every corner of the country. As part of his quest to usher in an American Golden Age, he has specific plans in store for the education…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just in time for the Trump administration to move in, a cleaning crew reportedly arrived at the White House to get rid of the old man smell.According to sources, the special cleaning was specifically requested by…

WASHINTON, D.C. — Confusion was averted for an outgoing leader today, as departing White House aides softly guided now-former President Joe Biden to a room in a retirement home they carefully disguised as the Oval Office."Here you go, Joe,…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The incoming Trump administration fielded an odd request today after Vivek Ramaswamy and Elon Musk called President Donald Trump to ask if they could make a blanket fort in the Lincoln Bedroom tonight.According to…

Trump Boys Take Turns Shouting ‘Penis’ At Inauguration - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: January 20, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

WASHINGTON—Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. “Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet—this is…

WASHINGTON—Not bothering to conceal her phone screen, Melania Trump was reportedly swiping through Raya matches Monday in full view of television cameras. The former and incoming first lady of the United States was captured in close-up…

WASHINGTON—Cackling wildly as he pulled himself from the smoldering wreckage while those around him watched in horror, Defense Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth reportedly crashed a golf cart into the stage at the presidential…

WASHINGTON—Placing his right hand on the collection of posts taken from the controversial message board, JD Vance was reportedly sworn in as vice president Monday on a stack of printed-out 4chan greentexts. “I, James David Vance, do…

WASHINGTON—Hampering the chief justice’s efforts to swear him in for a second term, President-elect Donald Trump autographed the inaugural Bible before handing it back to John Roberts, sources confirmed Monday. “There you go—all…

QUEEN’S PARK – Soon after debuting his “Canada Is Not For Sale” hat, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted wearing a second hat to clarify that he is still very much for sale. “I was thrilled to see ‘Canada Is Not For Sale’ hats flying off…

U.S. — The general public was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief this weekend due to knowing that, with the TikTok ban, Americans were now only being spied on by the Pentagon, Google, Facebook, Apple, Samsung, their doorbells, and…

U.S. — One of America's oldest and most widely used social media platforms experienced a sudden surge of use today, as after losing access to TikTok, zoomers across the country frantically contacted their grandparents to ask them how to use…

COUTTS, AB – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has arrived on foot at the Coutts-Sweet Grass border crossing station, petitioning for refugee status in the US on the grounds of being persecuted in her home country. “In my home land, I am…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning declaration, President Biden has unilaterally added a new amendment to the Constitution, officially making the 28th Amendment, also known as the Equal Rights Amendment, the law of the land. The President…

EVERETT, WA – The manufacturers of the inexplicably popular Funko Pop figures have announced that they have finally fixed the design flaw that allowed the dolls to suck the astral being out of a human body. “After a discussion with our…

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has banned the use of red dye No. 3 in food, beverages, and ingested drugs, more than 30 years after scientists discovered links to cancer in animals. What do you think? “Good thing I cut out…

WASHINGTON—Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. “Hey, kitty,…