SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

WASHINGTON—Amid efforts to prove himself as an effective chair of the performing arts organization, President Donald Trump was reportedly unable to focus in a national security meeting Friday, distracted by the pressure of booking the…

BOSTON – After explicitly praising Donald Trump’s support of their team and even hoping they can “win for him” U.S. hockey players discovered what Ted Cruz and numerous other politicians discovered years ago: aligning yourself with Trump…

BOSTON, MA – The Canadian men’s hockey team has successfully seized the 4 Nations hockey championship from their American opponents, completing their annexation of the trophy nearly halfway through the first overtime period. “We…

WASHINGTON—Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday after getting their tongues stuck to a frozen column near the West Wing of the White House. “Oh my God, it’s…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-awaited move that signaled a turning point in the war against evil and lawlessness, the U.S. State Department announced that it had officially classified the Los Angeles Dodgers as a terrorist organization.The…

NINEVEH — After a surprise visit from an Israelite prophet who inexplicably reeks of whale vomit, local residents have agreed to repent of all so-called acts of "wickedness and violence" if it will make him leave.According to sources, the…

Now that Kash Patel has been officially confirmed as the new director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, he's rolling out a new list of top priorities for the agency to focus on moving forward.Through intricate back channels, The…

EDINA, MN — In one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to mankind, some objects left on the stairs began their weeks-long migration to the bedroom this week.According to experts on hat migration, the items began the drawn-out…

FOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local man and humidifier owner Greg Shulman reportedly wondered Thursday “How different could purified and distilled water…

Elon Musk, the leader of DOGE, claims the organization’s sweeping cuts have already saved the government $55 billion. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Department Of Government Efficiency. 20,000: Free lunch…

An Ornate cat-eyed snake was found hiding in a bunch of bananas at a New Hampshire grocery store, the reptile having been accidentally stowed away among a shipment of the fruit. What do you think? “This is why every American should…

SCARBOROUGH, ON – Local man Geoff Bridgley, who recently expressed enthusiasm at this winter’s robust snowfall in the face of bleak worldwide climate change indicators, has now reverted to the standard Canadian position of seething anger at…

Hundreds of prisoners will be freed in Scotland as part of a broader emergency response to ease the burden of overcrowded prisons across the United Kingdom. What do you think? “They’ll just go right back to being Scottish again.”…

Shoppers Drug Mart, Ontario – A new study from researchers at Harvard Medical has found that people who ignore their emotions and bury them deep within ends up being the best approach for society at large. “It really is a game-changing…

ETHIOPIA — The man who became a Christian through the miraculous witness of the Apostle Philip was disappointed to learn that he would henceforth be known to the world simply as the "Ethiopian Eunuch."Though ecstatic to have been baptized…

Iceberger King - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: February 19, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 8 Read More…

Ever since polls were released showing Canadians overwhelmingly reject Donald Trump’s proposal to become the 51st state by 77-15%, the question everyone has been asking is: who the fuck are these 15% and what is wrong with them. Well look…

TACOMA, WA—Operating on pure natural instinct while leaping into action to protect his beloved owners, heroic dog Snickers saved a local family of five from the threat of an herb-roasted chicken, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It was a close…

OAK PARK, IL—Paying no mind to his forgetful nature and instead lending a fancy free, devil-may-care attitude toward his tendency to sign up for promotional offers, area man Ben Cameron was playing it fast and loose this week with his…

COLUMBUS, OH—Reeling as she took stock of the damage done in her debilitated state, area woman Brittany Marino told reporters Wednesday she had sworn off Ambien for good after she woke up and saw how many library books she had put on hold…

WASHINGTON—With thousands of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky after the power was turned off, President Donald Trump announced cutbacks this week that forced the Federal Aviation Administration to unplug the giant magnet that keeps…

Halifax, NS – Looking to take advantage of AI in his practice, Dr. Allan George turned to ChatGPT for novel ways to tell female patients “It’s all in your head.” Dr. George, a rheumatologist with over 20 years of experience, has found…

Brought to you by:Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency is still in the process of combing through the records of the Social Security Administration in search of potential fraud, but several red flags have already arisen — one of…

NEW YORK, NY — In a desperate attempt to blend in, son of the president, Barron Trump, has reportedly resorted to putting his knees in his shoes and walking around campus like a normal-height person.Eyewitnesses said the NYU freshman…

CHICAGO, IL — Yet another batch of heathy vegan food was painstakingly synthesized using 957 chemicals earlier today at the Organisynth Corp. laboratory. According to scientists at the lab, Organisynth exists to help produce affordable,…