SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many…

Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

RALEIGH, NC—Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. “I mean, obviously, I believe the…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while…

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has confirmed that April 28th will be the date Canadians finally learn the identity of the 5th unknown man included in photo montages with Carney, Pierre Poilievre, Jagmeet Singh, and the Bloc Québécois…

JASPER BC—According to sources close to the matter, primarily their quietly baffled cat, Muffins, Hannah Mitchell and Victor Chang successfully spent five straight hours on Friday date night refusing to impose any preference on each other…

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has called for a snap election to be held on April 28th, and has specified that Canadians will be required to choose an MP in their riding, as opposed to just writing in “SUCK MY BALLS TRUMP!” “We are…

U.S. — In another blow for Disney, the live-action remake Snow White was beaten at the box office by a middle school recorder recital in Rushville, Nebraska.According to tracking data, the auditorium had about five dozen people gathered to…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden announced his intention to return to the world of politics with a bid for President of Shady Oaks retirement home.After taking a couple of months away from politics to mull his future, Biden…

OTTAWA – Reports are coming in that Canadians from coast to coast engaged in horrifying acts of rudeness, thoughtlessness, and impoliteness during this year’s Purge Day: Canadian Edition. “The famously self-effacing spirit of our country…

U.S. — Google Maps has added a new feature in its latest update which will offer drivers a shortcut to their destination, but through a route guaranteed to make them fear for their lives.While Google Maps has often taken unsuspecting…

OTTAWA – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has presented newly-sworn-in Prime Minister Mark Carney with a list of demands, along with promises to “blow up this entire country and myself so help me God I’ll do it!” The list of demands, printed…

Nothing beats great Chinese food, but how can you tell if the restaurant you just walked into is legit? Here are nine things to look for:Name of restaurant is something clever like "CHINESE FOOD": Off to a promising start.Door has a bell…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a…

Israel remains in the top 10 list of happiest countries in the world, ranking eighth according to an annual global survey, despite the ongoing wars in Gaza and Lebanon. What do you think? “And isn’t being happy the ultimate land…

NEW YORK, NY — Actor and comedian Bill Burr broke down during a television appearance on ABC Thursday when his body went through some unexpected changes, as his cycle apparently synced up with the hosts of The View.Burr appeared as a…

With rumors circulating about former President Joe Biden expressing a desire to return to politics, the editorial board of The Babylon Bee would like to offer our enthusiastic and heartfelt support for this thrilling possibility.President…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A local mother of four submitted a formal petition this week asking if the Trump administration could shoot her up into space and leave her stranded there for a few weeks for "a little peace and quiet."Sarah Spencer…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real this time. “While I know we’ve made assurances like this in the past,…

Grimes Slaps ‘I Bought This Before Elon Went Crazy’ Sticker On Child - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 21, 2025 More News in Photos…

While Roku already includes video ads peppered throughout the streaming platform, some users have recently reported a preview of Moana 2 now autoplaying on the device’s startup, before they are shown the OS home screen. What do you think?…

Spam texts are on the rise. The Onion shares tips for dealing with scam and spam messages on your phone. Remember that the IRS will never contact you over text, unless you are in serious trouble and need to pay right now. If replying with…

WASHINGTON—Warning that the charge carried a five-year mandatory minimum sentence, the U.S. Department of Justice declared Friday that the distribution of images featuring a balding Elon Musk constituted an act of domestic terrorism. “For…

SHELBURNE, VT—Grinning wide with satisfaction at his successful act of cunning, local man Todd Sansovitch confirmed Friday that he had carefully snuck a bag of outside stimuli into his sensory deprivation tank. “That dopey teen working the…