SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

WASHINGTON—During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador’s president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he “lacks the humanity” to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America.…

BLOOMINGTON, IN — One local man had the unenviable task of ruining his child's day, as he sadly informed his son after watching Return of the Jedi that they never made any more Star Wars movies.Jeff Bailey reluctantly broke the news to his…

Former Washington Post journalist Taylor Lorenz cemented herself as the world's leading style icon when she called Luigi Mangione, who murdered a healthcare CEO, a handsome and morally good person. That's why we invited her to give us her…

DENVER, CO — Middle Manager Colin Mears slowly realized today that the last 8 months of his career could have just been a single email.Eight months ago, Colin felt like he finally leveled up in his life when he took the promotion to middle…

Basketball legend LeBron James became the first professional male athlete to have his likeness depicted in a Ken doll, with Mattel Inc. unveiling the figure to kick off the toy manufacturer’s “Kenbassador” series. What do you think?…

Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: April 14, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 16…

NEW YORK—Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn’t ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no…

OTTAWA – Following months of declining Canadian travel to the USA, Americans have launched a tourism campaign inviting Canadians to visit locations like New York, Austin, and possibly even take an all-expenses paid bonus visit to a…

From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares tips for dyeing Easter eggs. Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a…

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes. “When I…

MEDINA, OH—Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn’t been home in a few days. “Huh, that’s weird,” said Nick Davis,…

OTTAWA – As Canada works to separate our economy from the increasingly chaotic United States, the Canadian government is also searching for a new country to shamelessly copy for our entire cultural identity “Given that being slightly more…

CINCINNATI, OH – When single father Michael Field’s children, Talia and Connor, ran to their kitchen table last Sunday to decorate eggs for Easter, they were confused to find instead a bowl of strange, damp white chunks. “They started…

JERUSALEM — As crowds waved palm branches and laid down their cloaks for him to walk on, a local donkey was thankful to finally be getting the recognition he always felt he deserved."It's about time," thought the donkey, as hundreds…

XINJIANG PROVINCE — Prisoners in the notorious Xinjiang concentration camp have expressed deep concern about America being such a mean bully to China.After years of being tortured in Chinese government re-education centers, the prisoners…

Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It's easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.First,…

President Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed yesterday, earning a clean bill of health -- but with a few surprises along the way. Here are the seven most shocking findings from Trump's exam:Blood type came back…

CUPERTINO, CA — Apple CEO Tim Cook warned today that heavy tariffs on Chinese imports could have a severe negative effect on employment opportunities for child slaves.With President Trump's tariffs offsetting the production advantage China…

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Thousands of people have gathered in Augusta, Georgia, this weekend to watch the Masters Tournament, with millions more set to spend their weekends watching it on television. While few things can match the frenzy and thrill of watching…

Scientists recently had the opportunity to taste a batch of “space miso” fermented for 30 days aboard the International Space Station, noting it had a nuttier and more roasted quality than typical soybean paste made on Earth. What do you…

The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets - The Onion Entertainment [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQpgI5tAjLE?feature=oembed&w=500&h=281] Share…

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U.S. — It was revealed Friday that the popular video game Minecraft is an elaborate PSYOP orchestrated by the CIA to prepare kids for the return of American coal mining.Minecraft, an open-world sandbox survival game where players mine and…

Get a load of this idiot white-knight SIMP trying to save a princess from a dragon. What a beta male!This guy just showed up in a suit of armor and started hacking away at a dragon, risking his life and limb to protect a princess who…