SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

DURHAM, NC—Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he’s worth, Cooper Flagg’s agent Austin Brown negotiated a 10% increase Monday in textbook buyback value for the NCAA star from the…

OTTAWA – With tensions continuing to ratchet in the face of President Trump’s unilateral trade war, Canadians are openly wondering how they will fare against the notably harmonious, disciplined, and selfless American people. As Prime…

U.S. — The Baptist Church has released a new, improved hymnal which contains all of the Silly Songs sung by Larry the Cucumber.Featuring powerful tunes such as "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" and "The Hairbrush Song," the updated…

NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Chipotle executives unveiled plans today for the restaurant chain to somehow get even worse.After a decade of steadily transforming its once-delicious food into tasteless crap, Chipotle still believes there is room to…

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sources close to Jordon Hudson confirmed today that the 24-year-old has officially dumped Bill Belichick for Lou Holtz. Rumors had surfaced over the past few weeks that Hudson's relationship with 73-year-old Belichick was…

TORONTO – As soon as lawyer Marlene Davidson was rushed to hospital after slipping and fracturing her tibia, the doctor took one look at the blood pouring out of her leg and the protruding fragments of bone before asking her if the problem…

FORT WAYNE, IN — Handbell choir conductor Matthew Grey was recently forced to ask the congregation to stop yelling "FREEBIRD!" during handbell performances.According to Grey, who directs the Magnificat Handbell Choir of St. Paul's Lutheran…

OTTAWA – Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has announced that he will run in a by-election in the conservative stronghold of Battle River-Crowfoot, after being told that he could not run in his preferred area of deep-red rural Texas.…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of firing long-time White House lawn guy Juarez Stevenson, Secretary of State Marco Rubio scored yet another position today, with Trump naming Rubio interim Lawn Guy.Trump reportedly tapped Rubio to take care…

U.S. — Democrats have updated the famous "New Colossus" poem on the Statue of Liberty to simply read, "Give us your wife beaters."The change is intended to clarify that in lieu of huddled masses yearning to be free, Democrats prefer to…

WASHINGTON—Claiming the fantastical creatures were “way too cool” to leave their investigation to a handful of so-called experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday encouraging Americans to…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Democrats sounded an alarm Friday, warning that cutting funding for state-sponsored propaganda programs would lead to fascism.In a swift executive action, President Donald Trump ended government funding of…

WASHINGTON—Signing the executive order just minutes after storming off the set, President Donald Trump revoked federal funding for PBS this week after his grandfather clock reportedly received a lower-than-expected Antiques Roadshow…

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio’s developers got their grades up.…

A study in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that semaglutides, such as Ozempic and Wegovy, may help treat fatty liver disease, pointing to yet another potential use for these popular weight-loss drugs. What do you think?…

RANCHO-CUCAMONGA, CA — In a historic display of baseball prowess, a pitching machine tossed a no-hitter against local dad Keith Malvern.The impressive feat placed the pitching machine among the ranks of other legendary pitchers like Sandy…

SESAME STREET — Following President Donald Trump's executive order to strip federal funding from PBS, residents of Sesame Street were forced to pack their bags and move in with Oscar the Grouch just to survive.Trump signed the order late…

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s…

Stephen Miller Dead Behind Eyes At 39 - The Onion Published: May 2, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags…

Jordon Hudson Inducted Into NFL Hall Of Fame - The Onion Published: May 2, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos The…

OTTAWA – Following Prime Minister Mark Carney’s successful campaign in the recent federal election, US President Donald Trump is sending him a gift basket filled with the only US export that hasn’t decreased since he took office: children…

Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to…

ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing…

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught…

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. “It’s time for Ukraine to come to the…