SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

CAIRO—Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple…

BEIJING — With a TikTok ban soon to take effect in the United States, the Chinese Communist Party was forced to resort to spying on Americans by hiding tiny little cameras inside fortune cookies.According to sources, fortune cookie…

LOS ANGELES, CA — As the surrounding areas of Los Angeles faced the daunting task of rebuilding after the devastation left in the wake of massive wildfires, Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani generously announced that he would be donating 7…

U.S. — Airports can be hard, especially when you're a woman trying to decide on the best outfit to wear on your flight. Do you go full-on pantsuit girlboss? Flashy trendsetter? Quiet but stylish and demure? The list of options is seemingly…

SAN DIEGO—As they shooed a herd of giraffes into a nearby bathroom, workers told reporters Friday that they were frantically scrambling to hide all of the San Diego Zoo’s animals ahead of a visit from the landlord. “He texted an hour…

Catherine, the Princess of Wales, revealed her cancer is in remission about 10 months after announcing her diagnosis, saying in a post, “It is a relief to now be in remission and I remain focussed on recovery.” What do you think?…

President-elect Donald Trump has expressed his interest in buying Greenland, an idea he first floated back in 2019. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the U.S. acquiring the country. PRO: New Indigenous people to wrong CON: Feels…

TikTok has been officially banned over concerns of improper data collection and the spread of propaganda from the Chinese-owned app. Now Gen Z is in a bit of a pickle. What else are they supposed to do with their time?The Babylon Bee had…

SOL SELEGNA – gnikaepS morf a renid no eht strikstuo fo a niatnuom erehw a evisulcer efiwesuoh sehctaw ,yltnetni a enol evitcepsortni evitceted sah demrifnoc taht divaD hcnyL sah deid. “nI ueil fo secnelodnoc, .rM s’hcnyL ylimaf sksa taht…

LOS ANGELES—In a chaotic scene that saw young people screaming and ducking for cover in the moments after the hip-hop star was served from a passing vehicle, witnesses confirmed Thursday morning that Kendrick Lamar had been hit with a…

HOLLYWOOD, CA — As crews continued to sift through the rubble of fire-ravaged neighborhoods in the Los Angeles area, one salvage worker made a startling discovery of old photographs that appeared to show Pete Davidson dating Marilyn Monroe…

U.S. — Passengers of Frontier Airlines will now be required to pay an extra fee if they wish to fly with their legs onboard, the company announced in a press release.The new policy goes into effect this spring after the airline finishes…

EVANSVILLE, IN — Troubling reports circulated today that your retired parents, who have completely open calendars, wanted to know why you can't just put your eight children in a car and drive 3,000 miles to see them more often.The news…

MARTHA'S VINEYARD — According to sources, Barack Obama has filed for divorce from his wife Michelle after discovering she is actually a woman."I've been wrong...so wrong," the former president confessed to a few close friends soon after his…

OTTAWA – Hear ye hear ye fine citizens of British North America and allow your hearts to be elated. After a long hiatus in London, England, esteemed Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney, OC, has announced he has made the gracious…

Meta founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has made a major right-wing pivot, including adding Trump ally Dana White to the company’s board and agreeing to cohost an inauguration reception. Here are the other changes Zuckerberg is implementing to…

A ceasefire deal has been reached to end 15 months of fighting in the Gaza Strip, with the agreement also freeing dozens of hostages held in Gaza as well as Palestinians in Israeli jails. What do you think? “Aw, I was just starting…

WASHINGTON—Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. “I’ve decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the…

Coming off a successful Daily Show appearance, Mark Carney is a frontrunner for the Liberal Party leader. But just who is the renegade outsider poised to shake up national politics with his populist, ‘not your grandpa’s Prime Minister’…

LOS ANGELES—Saying such individuals posed a threat to the safety and security of all city residents, the Los Angeles Police Department announced Thursday that it had arrested everyone who lost their home in the ongoing wildfires. “In the…

SOUTH PLAINFIELD, NJ—Having been informed that he canceled a major stop on his big world tour just to be with them on a Thursday afternoon, residents at Golden Horizons Senior Care Center were told the man playing accordion for them in the…

Brought to you by:Trump has returned, but this was no surprise to actual Christians who know Biblical prophecy.All the signs were there. Here are 9 incredible prophecies that were gloriously fulfilled by Donald Trump. Revelation 16:1 - "The…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to elevate the level of discourse in Senate Confirmation hearings, all of the female Democratic Senators will be replaced with screaming, rabid hyenas.After the initial Senate hearings descended into hours…

With just a few days to inauguration, President-elect Donald Trump is preparing to sign a slew of day-one executive orders that will begin making America great again. Here is an exclusive first look at what Trump has planned:An executive…

LOS ANGELES — The devastating Palisades Fire may finally be on the way out thanks to the quick thinking of firefighters who attached late night host Jimmy Kimmel to a helicopter so he could quench the flames with his salty tears."Trump…