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SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE
To deter thefts, Loblaws to force customers to eat entire content of shopping carts before leaving…
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Biden pledges to not smile the next time he gives Netanyahu one billion dollars
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Total Failure Of An Actor Hasn’t Even Played Spider-Man
LOS ANGELES, CA — Abject failure John Daniels has not played Spider-Man in a single Hollywood film, confirming the absolute embarrassment that is his acting career.In a town where…
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Biden Declares Administration Will Never Leave Anyone Behind, Except Those Americans Held Hostage By…
... or murdered in the womb, or imprisoned in Russia (unless black and lesbian), or unable to afford groceries because of inflation, or denied entry to campus because of being…
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‘Why Would I Get My Wife A Mother’s Day Gift, She’s Not My Mom,’ Says Dead…
BEAUFORT, SC — Local soon-to-be-deceased man Cade Rollins asked a friend today why on earth he should buy his wife a Mother's Day present when she isn't his mom."Our three children…
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Diary Entry Reveals Luther Started Reformation Just Cause He Got Sick Of Filet o’ Fish Every…
WITTENBERG — A newly discovered diary from Martin Luther revealed that he launched the Reformation solely because he got sick of Friday fish fries."Another Friday, another…
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Toronto’s expansion WNBA franchise mathematically certain to win their league championship before…
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New Pilates routine so easy you can do it in front of an open fridge while you eat peanut butter…
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Clever: Jews Charging Up Space Laser Tell Everyone Those Are Just The Northern Lights
JERUSALEM — A spokesman for the Israeli military confirmed yesterday that the colorful lights seen over most of the northern hemisphere were a completely natural phenomenon and…
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With Biden Stalling, Israel Announces They Will Just Get American Weapons From Taliban
TEL AVIV — With Biden delaying shipments of U.S. weaponry, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today they will just obtain it from the Taliban instead."The Taliban has over…
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Nation’s Husbands Announce They’re Just Going To Let The Dishes Soak For A While
In a joint statement this week, America's husbands announced they're just going to put all the dishes in the sink, maybe pour a little dish soap on them, and let them soak for a…
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‘I Wish I Were Rich,’ Says Man Who Has A Family, Roof Over His Head, Self-Propelled Lawn…
SOUTH BEND, IN — According to sources, a local man lamented his lack of wealth today, despite the fact that he is happily married and has several beautiful children, a home to live…
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14 Exciting New Lord Of The Rings Films Announced By Warner Bros.
Hot on the heels of the news of Peter Jackson's return to produce more installments of the beloved franchise, Warner Bros. has announced even more Lord of the Rings content set to…
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Having Solved Climate Change, Greta Thunberg Turns Attention To Middle East Peace
MALMO — People around the world sounded a celebratory cry this week, as having completed her quest to solve climate change, Greta Thunberg turned her attention to achieving peace…
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Barron Trump To Serve As Florida Delegate At RNC
Eighteen-year-old Barron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, is making his political debut as a Florida delegate to the Republican National Convention in July. What do you think?“I…
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U.S. Files Serial Numbers Off Missiles Sent To Israel
WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli…
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Bar Breathes Collective Sigh Of Relief As Drunk Guy With Obnoxious Laugh Gets Really Invested In His…
CHICAGO—Wincing each time the loud, unnerving cackle echoed throughout the room, every patron at local bar Red Finch was heard to breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief Friday after…
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Rex Murphy’s Obituary written in the style of a Rex Murphy editorial
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Petco Announces All Human-Pig Hybrids On Clearance
SAN DIEGO—Noting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the…
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Youngest Brother’s Reputation Among Family Still Just The One Who Threw Scissors At Mom
JOPLIN, MO—Though decades have passed since the incident that sealed his reputation through childhood and beyond, siblings of Dennis McKee told reporters Friday that their youngest…
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Olympic Torch Begins Tour Across France
Kicking off festivities leading up to the Summer Games in Paris, the Olympic torch arrived in Marseille where tens of thousands of onlookers watched as it was ceremonially…
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Woman Nervous About Introducing Parents To Lousy Lay
PHOENIX—Stressing over the first-time meeting all afternoon, local woman Lisa Stone reportedly felt nervous Friday about introducing her historically hard-to-please parents to her…
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Bob Iger Insists Disney Stock Drop Not Caused By Failure Of Latest Movie ‘Gay Black Pinocchio…
BURBANK, CA — As concerned shareholders sought answers, Disney CEO Bob Iger insisted the company's stock drop was not caused by the failure of the studio's latest movie Gay Black…
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Boys Trip! This Uber Share is all dudes
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Stormy Daniels Offers Hush Money To Courtroom Sketch Artist To Please Stop Drawing Her
NEW YORK, NY — As the Donald Trump criminal trial continued to make headlines for both its political implications and the artistic renderings of the people involved, adult film…
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