SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have demanded increased transparency from a man who painstakingly posts on the internet every single thing he does. After viewing hundreds of Musk's posts from the past day, replete with videos and images…

OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre, who has famously spent his 21-year political career vociferously attacking any person or political entity which opposed him, has vowed to “any day now” begin training that same rhetorical fire on the American…

CHICAGO—Noting that early humans’ aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking…

PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. “Oh, goddamn it,…

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was only officially confirmed and sworn in as the new Secretary of Health and Human Services yesterday, but he's already making his presence felt in a major way. Sweeping changes are coming to the way the federal…

JERUSALEM — Reports circulated that the House of Solomon had fallen into disarray following a disastrous Valentine's Day celebration in which the king only bought 698 gifts despite having 700 wives.King Solomon first became aware of his…

LONDON, ON – After Premier Doug Ford was recorded joking about bringing back the death penalty, he has since confirmed that not only will he follow through with the idea, but he is already planning to execute his first prisoner using good…

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly,…

JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 14, 2025 More News in Photos…

Igloo is recalling more than 1 million of its coolers following reports that a handle issue led to serious injuries, including fingertip amputations and bone fractures. What do you think? “Not sure why they assumed they could touch…

ATLANTA, GA — An impatient liberal journalist employed by CNN began to express doubts this week that President Trump will ever send her to a concentration camp.Sources said that Ginny Balton, a field reporter based in Atlanta, felt…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emergency ruling, the United States Supreme Court authorized the use of the death penalty for anyone who buys Valentine's Day cards or gifts for their "work wife."The landmark decision reversed an earlier ruling…

CLEVELAND—Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported…

ARLINGTON, VA—Expressing unease with his customer’s obvious level of inebriation, local bartender Benny Waller confirmed Friday that he had been forced to take away Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s security clearance. “Look, buddy,…

ARLINGTON, VA—Expressing unease with his customer’s obvious level of inebriation, local bartender Benny Waller confirmed Friday that he had been forced to take away Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s security clearance. “Look, buddy,…

Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 14, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 14, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 14, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

The U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches, but so far the source of the black muck remains a mystery. What do you think? “Pretty mild as far as harbingers go.” Ella Bowers,…

The U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches, but so far the source of the black muck remains a mystery. What do you think? “Pretty mild as far as harbingers go.” Ella Bowers,…

The U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches, but so far the source of the black muck remains a mystery. What do you think? “Pretty mild as far as harbingers go.” Ella Bowers,…

The skyrocketing price of eggs have caused some shoppers to consider keeping their own backyard laying hens, though experts say there are drawbacks that may make starting a chicken coop more expensive than many believe. What do you think?…

Brought to you by: Young Americans for LibertyWith Elon Musk and the Department of Government Efficiency running roughshod over the federal government, bureaucrats have been scrambling to find new ways to hide the shady shenanigans they've…

OTTAWA – Television viewers across the country have been wowed by a 30 second curling commercial that contains nearly 2.5 seconds of intense curling action. “I always thought curling was just an excuse to get plastered,” said 43-year-old…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a powerful statement, RFK Jr was sworn in as the next Secretary of Health and Human Services Thursday on a raw 32-ounce ribeye.Sources say that instead of the traditional Bible, the new HHS Secretary used an organic,…