SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

TEXAS — The recent issue of unidentified drones hovering over American skies was solved suddenly today after the drones attempted to fly over Texas.Within seconds of the drones entering the Lone Star State, the sound of heavy gunfire split…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprise move this morning, President Biden announced he has granted a full and complete pardon to the Dark Lord Sauron.The pardon will reportedly cover any crimes that Sauron may have committed during the entirety…

ARVADA, CO — Local mom of three Kylee Miller was incredibly grateful to receive the advice to "sleep when the baby sleeps", an idea she had never once considered."Oh my goodness, what a novel concept!" Miller commented. "Here all this time,…

Millions have watched the hit dramatization of Jesus' ministry called The Chosen, but you might not be aware that the show has several glaring historical errors. Here are the eight most egregious:There wasn't vaguely Middle Eastern pop…

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has ordered an end to the ongoing Canada Post strike after learning that Santa Claus, who he was counting on to deliver presents to the entire country this December, is not in fact real. PMO insiders…

WORLD — On this very day nearly 17 centuries ago, St. Nicholas made history by punching the heretic Arius for claiming that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.While church historians through the ages once believed that St. Nicholas' swift…

U.S. — Recent data from the Department of Health and Human Services indicates a decline in the American obesity rate as the practice of bullying fat kids has once again become publicly acceptable.While public health analysts disagree on who…

OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying…

LUXEMBOURG — According to eyewitnesses at the Grand Duke's palace, Nancy Pelosi was rushed to the hospital earlier today after her blood alcohol level plunged dangerously.Sources say that the Democrat representative is now in stable…

WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using the inclusive term ‘tax holiday.’ “This is a…

President Joe Biden commuted the sentences of roughly 1,500 people who were released from prison and placed on home confinement during the coronavirus pandemic, while also pardoning 39 Americans convicted of nonviolent crimes in the largest…

Brought to you by: Angel StudiosIt's growing more and more difficult to enjoy any form of entertainment these days without being bombarded by woke agendas. Even some movies you expect to be safe from preachy progressivism end up ambushing…

Time named Trump their choice for Person Of The Year for the second time, recognizing the president-elect as the individual or group deemed to have wielded the greatest influence on global affairs “for good or for ill.” What do you think?…

PALM BEACH, FL—Despite begging to attend the party in his suit like every other member of Donald Trump’s future cabinet, Vice President-elect JD Vance was reportedly forced to dress as an elf Friday for the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party. “Hey…

AUSTIN, TX — Bringing a critically acclaimed career to a close, movie star Dennis Quaid announced his retirement from acting to start appearing in Christian films.The fan-favorite actor, who starred in such popular films as The Right Stuff,…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest round of mass pardons, President Joe Biden made waves by issuing a pardon to his wife, Jill, for impersonating a doctor.The pardon reportedly covers "any and all instances" of impersonation as far back as…

ALTOONA, PA — The McDonald's employee credited with identifying Luigi Mangione, a suspect in the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, was honored on Friday with a small ceremony in which he was presented with a coupon good for one…

BOCA CHICA, TX — Friends called police and requested to have officers conduct a wellness check on Elon Musk today after the billionaire failed to post on X for over 17 minutes.Officers reportedly knocked on the door of Musk's home after he…

The 2034 World Cup was officially awarded to Saudi Arabia, raising concerns from human rights groups about the safety of migrant workers. What do you think? “I don’t like it either, but they’re the only ones with a ball.” Tito…

After nearly two years, Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket sales. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the record-breaking tour. 1.2 million: Parents who only learned at the…

Bryce P. Tetraeder We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved,…

According to a recent poll, about 13% of Canadians support Donald Trump’s recent suggestion that Canada become the 51st state. Naturally we wanted to ask them “what the fuck is wrong with you?!” But instead we went with “why?” See More:…

HOUSTON—In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by a large, playful sheepdog named Gus. According to eyewitnesses, the…

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech…

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its intended recipient is one who lives among you, and if it is not…