SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

VANCOUVER – Former B.C. Premier Christy Clark has opted not to run for leader of the federal Liberal Party, stating she intends to run for leader of the NDP when Jagmeet Singh steps down. “For the past week the debate has been whether I’m a…

NEOSHO, MO—Confused by the sudden directive to “neutralize any threats” to the leader of the popular kitchen appliance brand, corporate security officer Tim Mulrooney was reportedly unsure Wednesday why he had been assigned to…

READING, PA—With a look of hardened resolve crossing the man’s face as he discovered the large recliner was unoccupied, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local elderly resident Robert Delacio had set his sights on a big chair. According to…

President-elect Donald Trump’s controversial nominee for defense secretary, Pete Hegseth, appeared for questioning on Capitol Hill in a public confirmation hearing in which Democrats interrogated allegations of illicit and inappropriate…

U.S. Special Counsel Jack Smith, who led the federal cases against Donald Trump on charges of trying to overturn his 2020 election defeat and mishandling of classified documents, has resigned as the Republican president-elect prepares to…

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Zondervan Publishing announced today that it would be introducing a new Bible concordance that gives readers out-of-context verses to justify any sinful behavior.The new Sin Justification Concordance, which features…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic first, a current presidential cabinet nominee received an official military commendation, as Pete Hegseth was awarded the Silver Star for enduring a roomful of hysterical women during his Senate confirmation…

LONDON — Authorities in the United Kingdom were outwitted once again this week, as to avoid prosecution on charges of sexual assault, famed author Neil Gaiman joined an Islamic grooming gang.The writer had come under fire in recent weeks…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre will be exiting politics for good at the end of Biden's presidential term, instead returning to her former job as a salesman at Men's Wearhouse."It has been an honor to lie to you…

HOUSTON—Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. “Last year I tried…

MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base…

TULSA, OK — Congregants at a local church were witnesses to what many people described as a divine act as the worship leader somehow managed to play an entire hymn exactly as it was written.The miraculous event occurred during yesterday's…

PALM BEACH, FL—Noticing everyone else’s phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump’s senior staff that he wasn’t part of, sources confirmed…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As he enters his last week as Commander in Chief of the United States, President Joe Biden was reportedly up all night wracking his brain to figure out what else he can screw up before his term ends."Come on, man! Think!"…

AUSTIN, TN — After news broke that the president-elect was serious about negotiating to purchase the Danish-controlled island in the North Atlantic, one Republican hipster made sure everyone around him knew that he wanted to annex Greenland…

LOS ANGELES, CA — As the devastation spread and the death toll continued to rise with firefighters working tirelessly to contain the blazes, a suspected arsonist was arrested for allegedly attempting to use a gas blowtorch instead of an…

At least five fires across the Los Angeles area, including one in Hollywood Hills, scorched more than 45 square miles and put roughly 180,000 people under evacuation orders. What do you think? “Ugh, we never get historic wildfires…

Adjusting to life with a newborn is a formidable task. The Onion presents tips for supporting the new parents in your social circle. Drop off a meal from their favorite restaurant to remind them of their former life that’s now lost…

At least five fires across the Los Angeles area, including one in Hollywood Hills, scorched more than 45 square miles and put roughly 180,000 people under evacuation orders. What do you think? “I think we should let BP decide; it’s…

TORONTO – With their power play struggling worse than ever, Toronto Maple Leafs power play coach Marc Savard has introduced a new wrinkle that he’s confident will get the team over the hump: a second unnecessary drop pass before entering…

WASHINGTON—Revealing a steep decline in the populace’s knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. “The…

LOS ANGELES, CA — In what many are already calling a modern-day miracle, the city of Los Angeles was saved after Meghan Markle arrived in the city and began standing around wearing a cap.Residents breathed a sigh of relief as soon as they…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris continued to get the worst of the exchanges as a heated argument with a talking cactus toy entered its third hour this afternoon.The cactus seemed to have an immediate retort for everything…

SACRAMENTO, CA — With Governor Gavin Newsom facing withering criticism over his preparations for wildfires, the Delta Smelt Fish Association hosted a press conference to reiterate their support for the Governor.The fish expressed total…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Speaking from his private resort President-Elect Trump explained that, despite his rhetoric, he won’t be able to make good on his threats to annex Canada because of his bone spurs. “Believe me, I want to do it. Itching to…