SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.’s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone’s ex-wife. “I appreciate that my dating…

GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he…

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. “In an…

Stuck in the Timiddle With You - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: March 24, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 13 Read…

A thief who swiped a golden toilet from an English palace was convicted along with an accomplice who helped cash in on the 18-carat work of art insured for more than $6 million. What do you think? “Thank God, I can’t hold it in any…

LOS ANGELES—In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women’s March Madness tournament.…

STERLING, VA — Critics of the Trump administration have raised security concerns due to Trump holding a high-level strategy meeting at Cracker Barrel.Witnesses dining at the popular southern-themed eatery reported being surprised to find…

Hello wives, did you find a spider in your home? Do you know whether it's poisonous and deadly?Read on to find out about all the different types of spiders and when you should worry:The Black Widow spider. They are very dangerous. You must…

BURLINGTON, VT — The future of one of America's more well-known political figures was cast in doubt this week after news broke that the paid attendees of Bernie Sanders' rallies had voted to unionize.The socialist icon who had built a…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning show of brilliant military strategy, President Trump has leaked his top-secret Yemen airstrike plans to The Atlantic so that no one will ever see them or read them. The battle plan, which was just a group…

EDMONTON – Following a Breitbart podcast interview where Danielle Smith recalled requesting the Trump administration pause tariffs in order to help Pierre Poilievre’s campaign, the Alberta Premier insisted this did not amount to foreign…

Well Shit, Man Thought He Secured Infant Car Seat - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

In the coming weeks, nearly 60% of Americans are expected to travel over the academic vacation period known as spring break. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the wild cultural phenomenon now considered a rite of passage for many…

Pope Francis Flips Off Crowd From Balcony - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

Spray-Painted Penis Only Thing Holding Cybertruck Together - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 24, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

RALEIGH, NC—Feeling somewhat deflated by the event after so much buildup, local woman Dianna Clark confirmed Monday that she found the process of planning suicide far more enjoyable than the suicide itself. “I mean, obviously, I believe the…

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while…

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has confirmed that April 28th will be the date Canadians finally learn the identity of the 5th unknown man included in photo montages with Carney, Pierre Poilievre, Jagmeet Singh, and the Bloc Québécois…

JASPER BC—According to sources close to the matter, primarily their quietly baffled cat, Muffins, Hannah Mitchell and Victor Chang successfully spent five straight hours on Friday date night refusing to impose any preference on each other…

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has called for a snap election to be held on April 28th, and has specified that Canadians will be required to choose an MP in their riding, as opposed to just writing in “SUCK MY BALLS TRUMP!” “We are…

U.S. — In another blow for Disney, the live-action remake Snow White was beaten at the box office by a middle school recorder recital in Rushville, Nebraska.According to tracking data, the auditorium had about five dozen people gathered to…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden announced his intention to return to the world of politics with a bid for President of Shady Oaks retirement home.After taking a couple of months away from politics to mull his future, Biden…

OTTAWA – Reports are coming in that Canadians from coast to coast engaged in horrifying acts of rudeness, thoughtlessness, and impoliteness during this year’s Purge Day: Canadian Edition. “The famously self-effacing spirit of our country…

U.S. — Google Maps has added a new feature in its latest update which will offer drivers a shortcut to their destination, but through a route guaranteed to make them fear for their lives.While Google Maps has often taken unsuspecting…

OTTAWA – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has presented newly-sworn-in Prime Minister Mark Carney with a list of demands, along with promises to “blow up this entire country and myself so help me God I’ll do it!” The list of demands, printed…