SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

LOS ANGELES, CA — In what many are already calling a modern-day miracle, the city of Los Angeles was saved after Meghan Markle arrived in the city and began standing around wearing a cap.Residents breathed a sigh of relief as soon as they…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris continued to get the worst of the exchanges as a heated argument with a talking cactus toy entered its third hour this afternoon.The cactus seemed to have an immediate retort for everything…

SACRAMENTO, CA — With Governor Gavin Newsom facing withering criticism over his preparations for wildfires, the Delta Smelt Fish Association hosted a press conference to reiterate their support for the Governor.The fish expressed total…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Speaking from his private resort President-Elect Trump explained that, despite his rhetoric, he won’t be able to make good on his threats to annex Canada because of his bone spurs. “Believe me, I want to do it. Itching to…

MANHATTAN, NY — In another disgusting display of judicial activism, progressive judge Juan Merchan released a man convicted of 34 felonies right back onto the streets of New York.Instead of handing out jail time, Merchan simply released the…

The Ark Encounter continues to be a hot spot for tourists across the country, but creator Ken Ham is reportedly looking at adding a number of new attractions to freshen up the experience for visitors. As expected, Ham has taken his…

U.S. — To counteract concerns that Artificial Intelligence is growing too rapidly and will soon become self-aware and destroy humanity, tech companies have reportedly begun training their AI models on Reddit to make sure they won't become…

NEW YORK, NY — In a controversial conclusion to the "hush money" trial against him, President-elect Donald Trump was forced to appear in court electronically as presiding Judge Juan Merchan cruelly sentenced him to drink only Diet Pepsi…

SHINAR — Following the confusion of languages at the Tower of Babel, local merchant Ur-Nammu was witnessed pretending not to understand his wife in an attempt to get out of housework."¿Que?" Ur-Nammu reportedly said whenever his wife asked…

WASHINGTON—Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. “With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who,…

Biden Wanders Into Flames - The Onion Share Published: January 10, 2025 Advertising Explore Tags Related Coverage Advertising…

LOCATION CLASSIFIED—Grumbling “Not this shit again” as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy “Sandman” Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog…

The first person to have a severe case of H5N1 bird flu in the United States has died, with the patient, who was over 65 and reportedly had underlying medical conditions, being hospitalized after exposure to both a backyard flock of birds…

Singer-songwriter SZA has released Lana, the long-anticipated deluxe edition of her critically acclaimed 2022 album SOS. Here is what you need to know about the artist. Musical Genre: Murder jazz Vocal Style: Power whisper Fandom Name:…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL – President Elect Trump spoke from his resort to demand that the wildfires destroying large portions of Los Angeles stop immediately or else he will impose various trade sanctions against them. “The California government is…

After nearly a decade as prime minister, Justin Trudeau announced his resignation this week. The Onion sat down with the outgoing Canadian leader to discuss the highs and lows of his tenure. The Onion: What prompted the timing of your…

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the company is abandoning the use of independent fact checkers, replacing them with X-style “community notes” where commenting on the accuracy of posts is left to users. What do you think? “No…

As the world continued to look on in shock at the devastation being caused by multiple wildfires ravaging Southern California, people have been looking for what — or who — to blame.To streamline the finger-pointing process, The Babylon Bee…

LONDON — Public outrage over the scandal related to allegations of ongoing abuse of children intensified in the United Kingdom this week as a nationwide grooming gang voted not to investigate itself.Despite widespread concern over the…

WASHINGTON—Saying that the singer’s ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation’s distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never needed Pharrell to show up in a crazy hat more than it does right now.…

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday after he was spotted dining at the smoldering remains of…

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony. “I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled…

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom neatly addressed California's wildfire problem earlier today by announcing that fire will finally be outlawed in California.The measure will prohibit fire in any and all forms including pilot lights…

POOLER, GA — According to sources, local wife Melissa Cross is waiting patiently for her husband, Jason, to turn off the reading light on his nightstand and plunge the bedroom into a quiet darkness before she finally unloads her deepest…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Noting with frustration that the 4-year-old’s viewing habits had likely destroyed his YouTube account forever, local man James Ratliff told reporters Monday that…