SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

MYSTIC, CT — Local churchgoer Clive Richmond, known for his habit of wearing a blue jacket, tall feathered hat, and yellow boots, must now switch to wearing just a boring old dress shirt and slacks to services after his "total killjoy of a…

Whether you’re spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper topics can help strengthen your relationships. The Onion shares tips for having more meaningful conversations. Bang a…

WASHINGTON—In an evident attempt to walk back previous inflammatory statements, prospective Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth clarified Thursday that although he now believes women should be allowed in combat roles, he still sees that as a…

LANCASTER, PA—Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked ‘The harvest!’ on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. “The crops, the…

Everyone loves a good Christmas movie, as long as you're not a sociopath with an ice-cold heart, that is. But did you know there are far more Christmas movies than you realized? Some of your favorite movies are actually, in fact, Christmas…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal agent Ray Epps will step down from his role as head of PSYOPS at the end of the Biden administration, the agency said Thursday, ending a distinguished career of covertly manipulating the American people.Epps said…

U.S. — Despite currently being in custody and charged with the murder of a health insurance company CEO, alleged assassin Luigi Mangione has now taken the lead in 2028 Democratic primary polls.Though more well-known candidates like Kamala…

NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family.…

REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences than male bodies. “This goes way beyond boobies and…

CLEVELAND—In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. “Holy shit, they really just…

WASHINGTON—Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation for help Friday in identifying a leaf that she confirmed was “from a…

MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive…

TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford’s government successfully passed a bill today allowing municipalities to create bike paths throughout the province so long as they lead to a wall with the image of a tunnel painted on it. The government has…

NEWARK, NJ — A pressing mystery that had puzzled government officials and the general public alike was solved today, as the mysterious drones seen buzzing through New Jersey skies were revealed to be Iranian after closer inspection.Despite…

U.S. — Fast-food chain McDonald's has officially surpassed the Federal Bureau of Investigation in the number of shooters apprehended in 2024.Despite having thousands of highly trained agents tasked with stopping violent mass shooters, the…

As one generation gives way to the next, you may find yourself looking in the mirror and wondering, "Hey, am I old now?"Here are 15 signs that you are, in fact, old:You saw this article scrolling Facebook: Dead giveaway.You have something…

CHINATOWN, NY — Patrons of Grand Family Food 长城 Szechuan Traditional Chinese Restaurant began expressing suspicions about the restaurant's authenticity after seeing that the cash register wasn't even manned by the owner's 9-year-old son…

The auction sale of Alex Jones’ Infowars to The Onion satirical news outlet was rejected late Tuesday night by a judge who criticized the bidding process as flawed while questioning the amount of money families of the 2012 Sandy Hook…

Taco Bell opened a new concept restaurant in San Diego called the Live Más Café, featuring a beverage-centric menu that includes milkshakes, coffees, fruity iced drinks and a take on a dirty soda trend with its trademark Mountain Dew Baja…

With incidence rates increasing over the past two decades, more doctors are recommending routine self-checks to catch early signs of breast cancer. Here’s how to perform a breast self-exam. Remove your clothes and place them in a safe…

TORONTO – As they continue to win games despite being completely unable to score goals, the Toronto Maple Leafs players and coaches expressed confidence that their success will continue as long as their two goalies continue to be the best…

Canine Breeding-Activists Firebomb Spay-And-Neuter Clinic - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: December 11, 2024 More News in Photos…

WASHINGTON—Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH–area…

ABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch a monster truck land on a smaller…

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by…