SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s…

Stephen Miller Dead Behind Eyes At 39 - The Onion Published: May 2, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags…

Jordon Hudson Inducted Into NFL Hall Of Fame - The Onion Published: May 2, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos The…

OTTAWA – Following Prime Minister Mark Carney’s successful campaign in the recent federal election, US President Donald Trump is sending him a gift basket filled with the only US export that hasn’t decreased since he took office: children…

Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to…

ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing…

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught…

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly frustrated by the protracted diplomatic talks, President Donald Trump asserted Thursday that Russia must be allowed to keep fighting as part of any ceasefire deal. “It’s time for Ukraine to come to the…

A runaway kangaroo named Sheila managed to shut down a stretch of interstate in Alabama before state troopers and the animal’s owner were able to wrangle the wayward marsupial. What do you think? “I refuse to believe cops passed on…

CHICAGO, IL — Authorities are advising citizens to avoid secluded alleyways due to reports of a suspicious individual wearing a trench coat who allegedly tries to sell people Red Dye No. 40, a known contraband.According to police reports,…

SCRANTON, PA — A group of friends received a detailed critique of popular south-of-the-border cuisine recently from a Pennsylvania man who was apparently under the impression that he had eaten actual Mexican food.Jameson O'Leary helpfully…

HYATTSVILLE, MD — Any goodwill extended toward a controversially deported El Salvadorian man took a hit this week due to a case of bad timing, as Kilmar Abrego Garcia was honored with MS-13's "Employee of the Month" award.The awkward…

Everyone right now is wondering whether 100 men could beat one gorilla in a fight, but the answer is incredibly simple.In fact, it's so easy to beat a gorilla in a fight that even you could do it, if you follow these time-tested…

According to border czar Tom Homan, the Trump administration deported about 139,000 people in its first 100 days. Here is a breakdown of the U.S. deportation process: STEP 1: Authorities confirm suspects’ illegal status by arresting them.…

MONTECITO, CA—Revealing to fans that the track was about an issue deeply important to her, singer-songwriter Katy Perry teased a new single Thursday by releasing a short clip of a song titled “Stop Making Fun Of Me.” “Working with Dr. Luke…

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off…

“As long as I don’t leave, you can’t kick me out. And fortunately I don’t have a job to go to anymore!” It’s our regularly scheduled election special. Brought to you by Henderson’s Trail Mix. Henderson’s Trail Mix: less candy, more trail!…

A team of scientists claims to have discovered a new color that humans cannot see without the help of technology, with researchers saying they were able to “experience” the color, which they named “olo”, by firing laser pulses into their…

HONOLULU—Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom’s caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Jeez Louise, looks like…

MONTGOMERY, AL—Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a beautiful display of solidarity with deported gang members, top Democrats had "MS-13" tattooed directly onto their foreheads.Several members of Congress, including Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer, traveled to…

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to help Americans get a better night’s rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God’s light before bed. “The Lord’s divine grace can put the body into a state of…

A blackout brought much of Spain and Portugal to a standstill, halting subway and railway trains, cutting phone service, and shutting down traffic lights and ATMs for millions of people across the Iberian Peninsula. What do you think?…

Speculation over who will be the next occupant of the Holy See has gone wild, with President Trump the latest to throw his name into the ring. Here are twelve changes Trump is promising to make if he is named the next Pope:Communion wine…

Anderson Cooper Undergoes Cosmetic Surgery To Look Even More Concerned - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 30, 2025 More News in Photos…