SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a powerful statement, RFK Jr was sworn in as the next Secretary of Health and Human Services Thursday on a raw 32-ounce ribeye.Sources say that instead of the traditional Bible, the new HHS Secretary used an organic,…

FLORHAM PARK, NJ — A changing of the guard was on the horizon in the NFL, as the New York Jets announced that the team had officially decided to keep losing all their games but without quarterback Aaron Rodgers.The Jets struggled to win…

Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs. MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient. FACT: The clinic will mail your penis…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was confirmed Thursday as the next Secretary of Health and Human Services with a 52-48 vote in the Senate and now Democrats are in a panic, with many rushing off to chug as much seed oil as they can…

Elon Musk Humps Nuclear Football - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 13, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More…

SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item…

BOSTON—Saying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldn’t be mad at him. “Ah, man,…

President Donald Trump directed the Treasury Department to stop minting new pennies, citing the rising cost of producing the one-cent coin. What do you think? “But nickels just don’t taste the same!” Hasan Rahaman, Party Consultant…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Panic quickly ensued for federal government employee Jared Walker after Elon Musk's son Lil X came up and asked what, exactly, he does around here.Walker quickly began sweating and hyperventilating under the withering…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. “This is a very important opportunity for me, and…

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and coffee rolls purchased at Dunkin’, due to concerns the products might be contaminated with listeria. What do you think?…

NEW YORK, NY — The global religious sphere experienced a sudden shift this week, as millions of Christians renounced their faith after an irrefutable social media post from Neil deGrasse Tyson.Devout followers of Jesus Christ reportedly…

Brought to you by: Farrow SkincareTrump has made sweeping changes to the government, including getting rid of all the uggos and bringing in some beautiful people. Finally!The Babylon Bee consulted its attractiveness experts to rank the most…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have unleashed furious attacks on Republicans for using winning the election as an excuse to try to take control of the government.Democrats have accused Republicans of attempting to make decisions as to how…

MONTREAL – As Team Canada gets set to play its first game in the inaugural 4 Nations Face-Off, fans across the country are ready to either celebrate a generation-defining victory or dismiss a totally meaningless defeat in a Mickey Mouse…

ARLINGTON, TX—In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. “I’m over…

LOS ANGELES—Boasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. “Today, I stand before you a new, younger man who also…

HARTFORD, CT—Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. “Man, my stomach has…

WASHINGTON—Raising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Musk’s hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. “Records indicate…

PHILADELPHIA—With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory reflection, serene sources confirmed…

COBOURG, ON ― Local housecat, Firecracker Devries, achieved a soaring pinnacle of sheer hedonistic pleasure today that is in equal measure inaccessible and inconceivable to her owner/servant/tolerated-acquaintance, Lucien Devries, upon…

MURFREESBORO, TN — According to sources, local husband Scott Limber rescued his wife from depression by helpfully explaining why she should be in a good mood."Don't worry, sweetie, you have no reason to be sad," Limber reportedly said.…

Brought to you by: RevelationMediaOver the last two weeks, everyone has heard all about how much USAID has done for people around the world, but the ones hurt most by Trump's funding cuts are the children living in poverty-stricken…

WASHINGTON, DC — Donald Trump has approved a measure normalizing once again the practice of calling female employees ‘Toots'."All this political correctness made our work environments no fun, but that ends today," Trump said at a press…

OTTAWA – With US President Trump instituting 25% tariffs on all steel and aluminum imports, Canada has elected to use their excess metals in the most sensible way possible – by constructing a 21-storey-tall robotic weapon shaped after…